Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Top Fifteen Songs of 2008

15. Transistor Transistor – Morning Sickness
14. The Mars Volta – Wax Simulacra
13. These New Puritans – Numbers AKA Numerology
12. Dance Club Massacre – Risk is my Business… And Business is Risky
11. The Cool Kids – What Up Man
10. The Bronx – Young Bloods
9. The Virgins – She’s Expensive
8. Thursday – As He Climbed the Dark Mountain
7. The Last Shadow Puppets – The Age of the Understatement
6. Fucked Up – Son the Father
5. United Nations – The Spinning Heart of the Yo-Yo Lobby
4. Cat Power – Song to Bobby
3. Vampire Weekend – A-Punk
2. The Hold Steady – Constructive Summer
1. The Gaslight Anthem – Blue Jeans & White T-Shirts

Top Ten Albums of 2008

10. Dance Club Massacre – Circle of Death
9. The Bronx – The Bronx
8. The Last Shadow Puppets – The Age of the Understatement
7. These New Puritans – Beat Pyramid
6. Cat Power – Jukebox
5. Fucked Up – The Chemistry of Common Life
4. United Nations – United Nations
3. The Hold Steady – Stay Positive
2. Vampire Weekend – Vampire Weekend
1. The Gaslight Anthem – The '59 Sound

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Five excellently atypical Christmas songs

* Joey Ramone - Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)
In which the late Ramone gives a more realistic portrayal of Christmas than any other Christmas song.
* Chuck Berry - Run, Run Rudolph
Manic and joyful, as only Chuck can do it. The Keith Richards cover is great as well.
* The Pretenders - 2000 Miles
Chrissie Hynde tones it down for a bittersweet song about distance and longing.
* Joni Mitchell - The River
Breakup, escape and the difference between California and Canada in December. Stellar.
* John Prine - Christmas in Prison
A sympathetic tale of incarceration over the holidays, featuring one of the single best lines ever written: "She reminds me of a chess game with someone I admire." Sad, funny and sweet.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Things I have blamed on Zionist plots

* Bad traffic
* The election of Arnold Schwarzenegger
* Running out of hot water in the shower
* Leftover pasta disappearing from the fridge
* September 11th
* The snub of Goodfellas at the 1991 Academy Awards
* Anything related to the postal system

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Signs of stress during finals week

* Diet becoming erratic in both scheduling and content.
* Clothes are often worn for three plus days straight.
* Things like shaving become less than an afterthought.
* Minor distractions are far more annoying than normal.
* Time flies by when you are taking a test or a break, but never when studying.
* Absentmindedness towards everything not related to exams.
* Wandering thought patterns, such as: What would happen if I could shoot lasers out of my eyes like Cyclops from the X-Men? That would be so wicked. I could just vaporize things that annoyed me. But I wouldn't want to wear the glasses all the time. That's way lame. Maybe it would be better if I could light things on fire with my mind. Like that one Stephen King book. What the fuck was its name? Damn, I can't remember. They made a movie. Let me check Wikipedia.
* A simmering hatred towards everyone.
* Firestarter, that was the one. Yeah, that would be awesome.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Top 1 Reason I Hate Blogspot

1. For deleting my post on movies I need to see through trickery and witchcraft, the pricks. Jesus Christ.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Traits common to most readers of this blog.

* Wit
* Intelligence
* Excellent taste in music and movies
* Charisma
* Good looks, with notably perfect cheekbones
* Dedication
* Very high free-throw percentage
* Could be described as a connoisseur of fine wines
* The humility to keep the fact that you once dated a Gossip Girl cast member on the down low
* Ability to make a perfect martini

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Ways to describe how stoked I was about the new Glassjaw song.

* Super stoked
* Unbelievably stoked
* Like, this stoked *raises hand in air above head*
* On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not stoked and 10 being fully stoked, a 10
* Not stoked at all...On opposite day!
* Stoked like those pardoned turkeys
* So stoked I was freaking out, man

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

5 best things about bacon

* It tastes great
* It makes other good food taste even better (cheeseburgers, sandwiches, stuffing)
* It smells almost as good as it tastes
* It is easy to prepare
* It makes no apologies about being horrific for your health

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Top five reasons I am against gay marriage.

1. I want Ellen DeGeneres to be unhappy.
2. I loathe musicals.
3. There are enough divorces already.
4. Elton John's pre-wedding party cost $147,000 and his reception was estimated to cost ten times that.
5. Marriage in general seems like a bit of a sham, if you really think about it.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Trendiest ethnic groups for hipsters to be friends with.

1. Eskimo
2. African
3. Middle eastern
4. Native
5. Asian
6. Hispanic
7. Jew

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Friday, October 31, 2008

Five low level actresses I find to be attractive.

* Kaylee DeFer (The War at Home)
* Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Live Free or Die Hard, Grindhouse)
* Laura Seay (Superbad)
* Blake Lively (Gossip Girl)
* Amber Heard (Pineapple Express)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Top 5 Song/Movie Scene Match-Ups

5. Tiny Dancer by Elton John in Almost Famous
4. Can't Take My Eyes Off You by Frankie Valli in the Deer Hunter
3. The River by Bruce Springsteen in High Fidelity
2. Needle in the Hay by Elliott Smith in the Royal Tenenbaums
1. Layla by Derek and the Dominoes in Goodfellas

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Top 10 Most Ridiculous People I Knew in High School

This is the first list I have ever had to preface with explanations. Firstly, I realize this list will only be understood by a very small group, so I apologize to anyone who doesn't get this, though I still doubt anyone actually reads this. Secondly, if anyone on this list cares to argue their placement, go for it. I welcome the dialogue. I have omitted last names, but included a signature moment for each person.

10. Simon – Ask him about Gwar.
9. Michael – Kept a miniature tape measure in his pocket just for the fun of measuring things.
8. Madeline – Thought a Caucasian man with a Welsh accent was from Afghanistan.
7. Niall – His tenth grade yearbook photo featured stomach-turning long orange hair and a blinding rainbow tie-dye shirt.
6. David – Rather than get a job after his freshman year of college, Dave decided to gamble for a living.
5. Toss – Was suspended in grade school for jumping on a girl’s back, which is the extent of his contact with women.
4. Edward – Aside from his voice, which is quite unique, he once drunk-dialed a high school friend at 4am and complimented the young lady on her breasts.
3. Liam – Once passed out in his own vomit after six drinks.
2. Benjamin – The infamous dice face edges out other notable events like the cereal incident and the various pukings.
1. Emile – Aside from being part Métis, he was once (and could be still) in a band named the Ruckus. Yes, the Ruckus.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The coolest dudes in the world, each at their coolest point

* The Rolling Stones in 1972, doing heroin and banging models.
* Tom Waits in 1985, drinking cheap liquor and hanging out in pawnshops.
* The Strokes in 2001, smoking cigarettes and hanging out in bars with models.
* Clint Eastwood in 1971, directing movies and killin' punks.
* Robert DeNiro in 1976, slumming around New York and sporting a Mohawk.
* André 3000 in 2003, dressing fantastically and being more popular than the Beatles.
* Jimi Hendrix in 1967, showing up Eric Clapton and eating acid like Pop-Tarts.
* Bruce Springsteen in 1975, singing about cars and breaking through to the mainstream.
* Steve McQueen in 1968, racing cars and telling Robert Kennedy to fuck off.
* F. Scott Fitzgerald in 1925, partying and hating his wife.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Top 5 Hip-Hop Songs I've Heard at Parties but Don't Know the Name or Artist of.

5. The one where they say the same thing over and over again
4. The one that everyone sings the chorus to
3. The one with the chick singing
2. The one where the lyrics don't make sense
1. The one that sounds the same as all the other ones

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Great one-two punches on various albums

* Panasonic Youth / Sunshine the Werewolf on Miss Machine by the Dillinger Escape Plan
* Last Nite / Hard to Explain on Is This It by the Strokes
* Concubine / Fault and Fracture on Jane Doe by Converge
* My Best Friend's Girl / Just What I Needed on the Cars by the Cars
* Left of the Dial / Little Mascara on Tim by the Replacements
* Heartbreaker / Living Loving Maid (She's Just a Woman) on Led Zeppelin II by Led Zeppelin
* Night Drive / 23 on Futures by Jimmy Eat World
* Pretty Lush / Siberian Kiss on Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Silence by Glassjaw
* Great Expectations / The '59 Sound on the '59 Sound by the Gaslight Anthem
* The Ties That Bind / Sherry Darling on the River by Bruce Springsteen
* Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck / Peacock Skeleton with Crooked Feathers on Crimes by the Blood Brothers

Friday, October 3, 2008

Top five favorite Simpsons characters.

5. Hank Scorpio
4. Otto
3. Homer
2. Krusty
1. Principal Skinner

Sunday, September 28, 2008

One of my best friends' top ten favorite movies, in no order.

* Lord of the Rings Trilogy
* The Departed
* Unforgiven
* Pulp Fiction
* The Dark Knight
* No Country for Old Men
* The Shawshank Redemption
* The Usual Suspects
* Saving Private Ryan
* Gladiator

Friday, September 19, 2008

The (long overdue) top 5 movies of 2007

Honorable mentions: Knocked Up, the Darjeeling Limited, Control

5. Eastern Promises
4. Zodiac
3. Gone Baby Gone
2. There Will Be Blood
1. No Country for Old Men

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Trends I approve of vs. trends I disapprove of

* High tops
* Bourbon
* Listening to The Gaslight Anthem
* Bruce Springsteen
* Vitamin Water
* Girls with bangs

* Wayfarers
* Hybrid cars
* Electronic music
* Cocaine
* Organic food
* Pastel colored clothing

Friday, September 12, 2008

Covers I would love to hear, part deux (original artist in brackets)

* The National - The River (Bruce Springsteen)
* Vampire Weekend - Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard (Paul Simon)
* Black Kids - Just Like Heaven (The Cure)
* Gallows - We're Coming Out (The Replacements)
* The Rapture - My Ever Changing Moods (Style Council)
* The Horrors - You Really Got Me (The Kinks)
* Minus the Bear - Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd)
* The Bronx - Jailbreak (Thin Lizzy)
* Brand New - Seven (Sunny Day Real Estate)
* Big D and the Kids Table - Rudie Can't Fail (The Clash)
* Black Lips - Ooh La La (Faces)

Friday, September 5, 2008

Tracklisting for my theoretical death metal album

1. Introduction (November 17, 1924)
2. Heathen Perjury
3. Victimized into Oblivion
4. Cadaverous Feasting
5. Goat-skull Sodomy
6. Interlude (January 4, 1937)
7. Desecration of the Innocent
8. Flesh Torn Asunder
9. Brutalized Defenestration
10. Nightmarish Existence
11. Outro (May 23, 1949)

Monday, September 1, 2008

Possible alternate titles for "How I Spent My Summer Vacation"

* How I Lost Four Months to Alcohol and Batman
* Bartending for Fun and Profit
* Bruce Springsteen is My Lord and Master, part two: Disc One of the River is Perfect
* All My Friends Back Home are Assholes
* Tanning for Dummies
* Sleeping Nine Hours a Day for Dummies

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Great lyrical putdowns by Brand New

* He was bored and tired of my laments / He said, "I died for you one time, but never again" (Limousine) - Dude messed up so bad even Jesus is sick of him.
* And even if her plane crashes tonight / she'll find some way to disappoint me (Jude Law and a Semester Abroad) - Straightforward. Women are the devil.
* The God I believe in never worked on a campaign trail (The Archers Bows Have Broken) - I guess Jesse Lacey has no faith in politicians either. What a cynic.
* Something dies when you grow older / But you do the best you can (Good Man) - Dude is fucking depressed as shit.
* I need you like water in my lungs / This is the end (Play Crack the Sky) - Human beings cannot survive with water in their lungs.
* Ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out / I wish I knew (Okay, I Believe You, but My Tommy Gun Don't) - This is too depressing. I quit.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Top 100 Songs: 20 through 1

20. Brand New – Good Man
19. Joy Division – Love Will Tear Us Apart
18. Jimmy Eat World – Disintegration
17. The Beach Boys – God Only Knows
16. Converge – Thaw
15. The Libertines – Can’t Stand Me Now
14. Thursday – Autumn Leaves Revisited
13. Dillinger Escape Plan – Sunshine the Werewolf
12. Glassjaw – El Mark
11. Rolling Stones – Gimme Shelter
10. Bruce Springsteen – Born to Run
9. Hot Water Music – Bleeder
8. Elliott Smith – Waltz #2 (XO)
7. The Replacements – Bastards of Young
6. Brand New – Jesus
5. The Velvet Underground – Sweet Jane
4. Rolling Stones – Angie
3. Elvis Costello – Alison
2. Tom Waits – Downtown Train
1. The Strokes – Last Nite

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Top 100 Songs: 40 through 21

40. The Cure – Just Like Heaven
39. The Clash – Lost in the Supermarket
38. Blood Brothers – Love Rhymes with Hideous Car Wreck
37. Rolling Stones – Sympathy for the Devil
36. Glassjaw – Pretty Lush
35. The Jimi Hendrix Experience – All Along the Watchtower
34. The Hold Steady – Stuck Between Stations
33. Brand New – Play Crack the Sky
32. Thursday – Cross Out the Eyes
31. Tom Waits – Ol’ ‘55
30. This Is Hell – Permanence
29. Taking Back Sunday – Cute without the “E” (Cut from the Team)
28. Thrice – Deadbolt
27. The Replacements – Left of the Dial
26. Cursive – Sierra
25. Arctic Monkeys – 505
24. Bruce Springsteen – Thunder Road
23. Every Time I Die – I’ve Been Gone a Long Time
22. The Strokes – Hard to Explain
21. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Maps

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Top 100 Songs: 60 through 41

60. Blood Brothers – Ambulance vs. Ambulance
59. Chuck Berry – Maybellene
58. The Mars Volta – L’Via L’Viaquez
57. Sunny Day Real Estate – Seven
56. Lou Reed – Coney Island Baby
55. Minus the Bear – Pachuca Sunrise
54. Joe Jackson – One More Time
53. Ramones – I Wanna Be Sedated
52. Bruce Springsteen – The Ties that Bind
51. British Sea Power – Please Stand Up
50. Joy Division – The Eternal
49. Interpol – Obstacle 1
48. Converge – No Heroes
47. Jawbreaker – Kiss the Bottle
46. Elliott Smith – Miss Misery
45. The Strokes – Reptilia
44. The Pretenders – 2000 Miles
43. Outkast – Hey Ya
42. Bloc Party – Banquet
41. Lou Reed – Walk on the Wild Side

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Things I would create, custom-made for you, for a mere $150 (Please note: This is a real offer. If Max Bemis can do it, so can I)

* A 1000 word short story.
* A sketch of a you.
* A song.
* A short film where I act out a portion of your life.
* A sonnet.
* A sculpture.
* A Lego version of your place of residence.
* A mix tape proclaiming my undying love for you.
* A video of me laughing at you while throwing $150 worth of one dollar bills in the air.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Top 100 Songs: 80 through 61

80. Every Time I Die – The New Black
79. Outkast – Roses
78. A Wilhelm Scream – The King Is Dead
77. The Red Chord – Black Santa
76. The Beach Boys – Caroline, No
75. Thin Lizzy – The Boys Are Back in Town
74. Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here
73. Thrice – The Artist in the Ambulance
72. The Jam – Down in the Tube Station at Midnight
71. The Libertines – Time for Heroes
70. The Hives – Hate to Say I Told You So
69. The Ataris – In This Diary
68. Foo Fighters – Everlong
67. The Rapture – I Need Your Love
66. Arctic Monkeys – A Certain Romance
65. Poison the Well – Ghostchant
64. Botch – C. Thomas Howell as the “Soul Man”
63. Jimmy Eat World – Pain
62. Led Zeppelin – Whole Lotta Love
61. Fake Problems – Born & Raised

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Top 100 Songs: 100 through 81

100. Elvis Costello – Radio Radio
99. Franz Ferdinand – You Could Have It So Much Better
98. The Movielife – Jamestown
97. Refused – The Shape of Punk to Come
96. The Who – Baba O’ Riley
95. Give Up the Ghost – Love American
94. Texas is the Reason – Johnny on the Spot
93. Head Automatica – Brooklyn is Burning
92. Beastie Boys – (You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party)
91. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones – The Impression That I Get
90. Say Anything – Admit It!!!
89. Prince and the Revolution – When Doves Cry
88. Fine Young Cannibals – Blue
87. The Band – The Weight
86. David Bowie – Space Oddity
85. We.re All Broken – Hail Vagabond Bride (Revisited)
84. Smashing Pumpkins – 1979
83. Mott the Hoople – All the Young Dudes
82. Head Automatica – Brooklyn is Burning
81. The Get Up Kids – The One You Want (Live)

Monday, July 21, 2008

Top five track one, side ones...by the Rolling Stones

5. Rocks Off (Exile on Main Street)
4. Miss You (Some Girls)
3. Dancing with Mr. D (Goats Head Soup)
2. Sympathy for the Devil (Beggars Banquet)
1. Gimme Shelter (Let It Bleed)

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Thoughts immediately after seeing the Dark Knight, in order.

* Holy shit, dude.
* That was fucking sick.
* Did you fucking SEE what Batman did in that scene?
* And what about the Joker? Christ.
* Oh man. Oh man. Amazing.
* Like...Just mind-blowing.
* What should I do now to entertain myself?
* This sucks, the Dark Knight was better.
* Shit, and this sucks too.
* Is everything garbage compared to that movie?
* I should go see it again.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Life lessons from the Hives.

* Sex is the solution to all relationship problems (Giddy Up!)
* Quoting dead people will get you nowhere (Dead Quote Olympics)
* The pursuit of wealth can sometimes be amoral (Die, All Right!)
* Big mouths are a dime a dozen, talk is cheap (You Dress Up for Armageddon)
* Nothing is given to you, everything has to be earned (Square One, Here I Come)
* If bureaucracies cause you problems, lie and cheat until you get what you want (Statecontrol)
* It is best to end stale relationships before someone becomes mentally unhinged (Love in Plaster)
* No band will ever be as good as the Hives, and no person will ever be as good as any of its members (Basically every song other than the ones already mentioned)

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Unappealing places for female piercings

* Septum
* Nipple
* Eyebrow
* Tragus
* Anti-tragus
* Cheek
* Genitals

Thursday, June 26, 2008

How to be a hipster.

* Listen to music in vastly different genres. You absolutely cannot listen to "only metal" or "only rap".
* Your shoe choices are as follows: Vans Slip Ons, Converse All-Stars or Nike Dunks.
* All other clothing must be extremely tight fitting.
* Spend extremely little on clothing or a very large amount. There is no in-between.
* You must look disdainful at all times. No matter what you're doing or where you are, there is someplace better and cooler you could be.
* Speak reverently of Wes Anderson.
* Choose one band you would never normally listen to. It doesn't matter who or what style of music they play. Listen to them "ironically".
* When something you enjoy becomes popular, ditch it. If someone asks later, you can then claim to have been into the now popular thing before it was cool. This will make you seem even cooler.
* Following from that, a band's first album is the only one that is any good.
* Grow scuzzy facial hair (if male).
* Work a low-paying, but not demeaning, job.
* Have at least one vice (smoking, drinking, hard drug use, etc.).
* Be an amateur writer/filmmaker/DJ/band member. Your choice.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Bands that would be fun to party with.

* Black Lips
* Faces, ca. 1971
* All Time Low
* The Replacements, ca. 1984
* Every Time I Die
* The Strokes, ca. 2001
* Arsonists Get All the Girls
* Fake Problems

Saturday, June 14, 2008

My top 5 favorite movies about music, and why.

5. Ray - Because Jamie Foxx's acting is straight-up brilliant. Also, it's a compelling, well-told story.
4. Control - As a Joy Division fan, I had high expectations for this. Luckily, it was great. Shooting in black and white worked well, Sam Riley played the part of Ian Curtis very well, and the music (both by JD and others) was top notch.
3. High Fidelity - Though it could be argued that this film isn't really about music, it would be wrong not to include it. Why? A. Bruce Springsteen dispenses advice in one of John Cusack's daydreams, B. John Cusack's character constantly breaks the fourth wall in fantastic ways, C. Jack Black is not annoying but funny and finally, D. Every music fan who sees this film will recognize parts of their life in it.
2. This is Spinal Tap - What can be said about the great Spinal Tap that hasn't already been said? It's an utter classic, and I urge anyone reading this who hasn't seen it yet to do so as soon as possible. One quote alone should prove this: "It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none, none more black." Classic.
1. Almost Famous - It's definitely a toss up between this and Spinal Tap. While both movies are love notes to rock and roll, this one has more wide-eyed wonder to it. Cameron Crowe wrote and directed the movie like he had lived the experiences it describes, which he had, and he doesn't allow for any cynicism to enter the movie (except maybe in Phillip Seymour Hoffman's excellent protrayal of Lester Bangs). Almost Famous is not only one of my favorite movies about music, but one of my favorite movies, period.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Possible reasons why no one reads this blog.

* I'm not enough of a shameless self-promoter.
* I'm not interesting.
* Lists are an unpalatable format for blogs.
* The constant music references are a turn-off to those unfamiliar with the bands or songs.
* I come off as crass/snobby/pretentious/immature (take your pick).
* My writing isn't that great.
* The lists themselves are contrived and tired.
* The subject matter merely acts to show how "hip" I think I am.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Songs that will terrify adults.

* Converge - Fault and Fracture
* Psyopus - Play Some Skynyrd
* Coalesce - What Happens on the Road Always Comes Home
* Blood Brothers - Trash Flavored Trash
* The Red Chord - Nihilist
* Animosity - Commoditism
* Pig Destroyer - Soft Assassin
* The Locust - Hot Tubs Full of Brand New Fuel
* Daughters - Damn Those Blood Suckers and Their Good Qualities
* Head Wound City - Prick Class
* Genghis Tron - Chapels
* Dillinger Escape Plan - Destro's Secret

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Album titles I love

* Wincing the Night Away (the Shins)
* Taking Drugs to Make Music to Take Drugs to (Spacemen 3)
* Stankonia (Outkast)
* Let It Bleed (Rolling Stones)
* We're Only in It for the Money (Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention)
* Career Suicide (A Wilhelm Scream)
* Jesus of Cool (Nick Lowe)
* We're Down 'til We're Underground (Give Up the Ghost)

And two that were (wrongly) changed:
* Call a Priest (Planes Mistaken for Stars)
* You Want the Best, You Got the Blessed (Blessed by a Broken Heart)

Friday, May 23, 2008

Things more awesome than the new Hold Steady leaking.

* A raise of a dollar or greater.
* The new Glassjaw leaking.
* The new Glassjaw actually having a release date.
* An imaginary world where alcoholic beverages weren't so expensive in Canada.
* The first time I saw Apocalypse Now and No Country for Old Men.
* Finding out you raped all your finals and classes this semester.
* Those sublime moments when you hear a song, be it "Angie," "Sweet Jane," "Downtown Train," or whatever, and it's so beautiful that it makes you want to cry.
* Realizing the new Hold Steady is better than you expected.
* Not a whole fucking lot, that's for sure.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

10 fantastic new wave songs

* The Cars - My Best Friend's Girl
* Joe Jackson - One More Time
* Soft Cell - Tainted Love
* The Cure - Boys Don't Cry
* Elvis Costello and the Attractions - Pump It Up
* The Jam - Down in the Tube Station at Midnight
* Blondie - Heart of Glass
* New Order - Blue Monday
* A Flock of Seagulls - I Ran (So Far Away)
* Billy Idol - Dancing with Myself

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Cover songs I would love to hear, with original artist in brackets.

* Interpol - She's Not There (The Zombies)
* The Hold Steady - Jungleland (Bruce Springsteen)
* Glassjaw - Under My Thumb (The Rolling Stones)
* The Strokes - You Can't Hurry Love (Diana Ross and the Supremes)
* The Gaslight Anthem - Growin' Up (Bruce Springsteen)
* The Bronx - White Wedding (Billy Idol)
* The Mars Volta - Voodoo Child (Slight Return) (The Jimi Hendrix Experience)
* The Good Life - Coney Island Baby (Lou Reed)
* A Wilhelm Scream - The Immigrant Song (Led Zeppelin)
* Set Your Goals - TV Party (Black Flag)
* Converge - Gimme Shelter (The Rolling Stones)
* Fake Problems - Alison (Elvis Costello)
* Every Time I Die - Wouldn't It Be Nice? (The Beach Boys)

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Movies that should be made.

* More Country for Old Men - Tommy Lee Jones muses for two hours about being old while chasing Anton Chigurh through West Texas. The big surprise comes five minutes in, when the movie is revealed to be a musical, though having the director of Dreamgirls on board should have been a tip off. Chirgurh and the Sheriff dance and sing their problems out. The original definitely needed more West Side Story.
* Moon Knight - I love Batman, but this movie could be so much better than any other superhero movie ever. He kills people! Cuts their faces off! Blows up cars! AHHHHH!
* A documentary about David Tumbach - If you know him, you'll understand. If you don't, let's just say it would be like watching Einstein explain relativity while driving a car off a cliff. Crazy or brilliant? Oscar gold, I say.
* The Godfather, pt. IV - While Coppola is still alive, it needs to be done. A young Don Vito Corleone consolidates power (post Godfather, pt. II) and we get to see where the family goes post-part III in the 1980s.
* A good adaptation of the Great Gatsby - Please. Just please. Don't fuck it up.
* A biopic of F. Scott Fitzgerald - As above, please let it be good.
* Miracle (aka the Best Game Ever) - About the 2006-2007 Boise State Broncos and THAT game. Did you see that game?
* The Greatest Action Move Ever - Modern computer effects combine John McClane, Dirty Harry, Indiana Jones and James Bond into one movie, fighting the diabolical duo of Darth Vader and the shark from Jaws. Cameos abound.
* Another Martin Scorcese gangster movie.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

The advantages and disadvantages of finals week.

* The first two study days are basically free time.
* The last two, however, not so much.
* It's quiet in the dorm because everyone is studying.
* The quiet emphasizes how tense everyone is.
* You don't have to wake up early.
* Unless you have an 8 AM exam.
* The large amount of free time allows you to get solid blocks of studying in.
* It also allows you to distract yourself from studying.
* The year is over in a week, and summer begins.
* There are five finals to make it through first.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Verbose song titles

* The Subtleties That Make Mass Murderers Out Of Otherwise Decent Human Beings - Boys Night Out
* Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows)- Fall Out Boy
* Oh, You Are The Roots That Sleep Beneath My Feet And Hold The Earth In Place - Bright Eyes
* There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey. You Just Haven't Thought Of It Yet - Panic at the Disco
* I Slept with the Daughters and All I Got Was This Lousy Song Written About Me - Daughters
* Me Vs. Morrissey In The Pretentiousness Contest (The Ladder Match) - A Wilhelm Scream
* Prostitution Is the World's Oldest Profession (and I, Dear Madame, Am a Professional) - Cobra Starship
* Alas, Here Come the Hypochondriacs to Wait With You in the Lobby - The Locust
* Loved Ones (Excerpts from Speeches of How Great You Were, and Will Never Be Again)- Poison the Well
* Riffs and Variations on a Single Note for Jelly Roll, Earl Hines, Louis Armstrong, Baby Dodds, and the King of Swing, to Name a Few - Sufjan Stevens
* I've Got 10 Friends and a Crowbar That Says You Ain't Gonna Do Jack - Underoath
* They Perched on Their Stilts, Pointing and Daring Me to Break Custom - Saosin
* The Undertaker's Thirst for Revenge Is Unquenchable (The Final Battle) - Chiodos
* Someday, in the Event That Mankind Actually Figures Out What it is That This World Revolves Around, Thousands of People are Going to Be Shocked and Perplexed to Find Out it Was Not Them. Sometimes, This Includes Me. - The Chariot

Monday, April 28, 2008

Top 10 Most Offensive Glassjaw Lyrics

10. "You can lead a whore to water/And you can bet she'll drink and follow orders" - Pretty Lush
9. "Look into my eyes and shut the fuck up" - Star Under My Bed
8. "Shut up and swallow my pride for me" - Lovebites and Razorlines
7. "I don't give a fuck about your dignity/That's the bastard in me" - Lovebites and Razorlines
6. "Grunt fuck/Grin fuck/Push her in the snow fuck" - Stuck Pig
5. "A notch on my belt is how you shall exist/A notch on my bedpost is how you shall exist/And no more no less for the common good/That's you, american womanhood" - Convectuoso
4. "As long as your mouth is shut/You'll still be fucking beautiful" - Motel of the White Locust
3. "I only beat you when I'm drunk/You're only pretty when you're crying" - Piano
2. "I'll hold my child's head underwater/If it's a boy, I was joking/If it's a daughter, I'll say I did what I did because I had to/And if you find my kid later tell her I laughed too" - Hurting and Shoving (She Should Have Let Me Sleep)
1. "Though I like your pretty eyes better blackened and my fists all fucking red" - Motel of the White Locust

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Annoying traits common to most girls I know, to one degree or another.

* Using the phrase "I'll do it later" as code for "Never happening."
* Never saying what's really on their mind until it's too late.
* They're generally unreliable.
* Indecisive.
* They don't appreciate football, be it NCAA or NFL.
* Aggressive music is for some reason unpalatable.
* Use of the word "silly".
* Unrealistic expectations of me.
* They give off a constant, nagging impression that we are, in fact, diametrically opposed, and that all communication is a waste.
* They are not good with directions (giving or receiving).
* They don't understand why I love the Great Gatsby.

Friday, April 25, 2008

What I learned from the movie Goodfellas

* Though initially glamorous, life in the mob usually results in a prison term or death.
* Babysitters are unreliable drug mules.
* You can have an extramarital affair with no consequences.
* Whenever a murder victim is discovered, the piano coda from "Layla" plays.
* Never disrespect Joe Pesci.
* Ray Liotta is an ideal candidate if you ever need someone to narrate your life.
* Jewish women are difficult in relationships.
* Cocaine is bad for your health, though dealing it is good for your wallet.
* Loyalty to your friends is important, unless they are about to kill you.
* It is relatively easy to commit, and get away with, large scale robberies.
* As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.

Things the kids can do (and who made that decision)

* Not look up to him (Charles Barkley)
* Get up (the Get Up Kids)
* Eat Trix cereal (anthropomorphic rabbit)
* Eat rat shit (Lou Reed)
* Eat a bag of dicks (A Wilhelm Scream)
* Not stand a chance (Vampire Weekend)
* Be alright (the Who)
* Call you Ho-Ju (Homer Simpson)
* Be shrunk to minuscule size without your wife’s approval (Rick Moranis)

People who look like Robert Duvall

* Rudolph Giuliani
* Gerald Ford (if he lost a little weight)
* Robert Duvall
* My junior high school principal, Mr. Case
* Billy Graham (minus his hair)
* My anthropology prof, Dr. Kuijt

Things I hate more than being moderately sick (no order)

* People who play hip-hop too loud.
* When good actors appear in shitty movies.
* The ever plummeting dignity of contestants on reality TV series’.
* The retarded putting game people play in the halls, dressed up like they’re actually golfing. You’re not golfing. Get over yourself.
* Being really sick.
* The Miami Dolphins’ continuing inability to find a franchise quarterback.
* Terrible in-flight movies.
* The weak scruff that my face claims constitutes a beard and mustache.
* Vague or oversimple essay prompts. One is too broad, the other is too narrow. One you can write a book on, the other, a sentence.
* The cinematography in Behind Enemy Lines.
* The resurgence in popularity of wayfarers. They don’t look good.
* Plaid.
* That Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared each only lasted a season. A tragedy.
* Beer pong’s inherent dirtiness.
* Facebook applications.