Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Verbose song titles

* The Subtleties That Make Mass Murderers Out Of Otherwise Decent Human Beings - Boys Night Out
* Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows)- Fall Out Boy
* Oh, You Are The Roots That Sleep Beneath My Feet And Hold The Earth In Place - Bright Eyes
* There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey. You Just Haven't Thought Of It Yet - Panic at the Disco
* I Slept with the Daughters and All I Got Was This Lousy Song Written About Me - Daughters
* Me Vs. Morrissey In The Pretentiousness Contest (The Ladder Match) - A Wilhelm Scream
* Prostitution Is the World's Oldest Profession (and I, Dear Madame, Am a Professional) - Cobra Starship
* Alas, Here Come the Hypochondriacs to Wait With You in the Lobby - The Locust
* Loved Ones (Excerpts from Speeches of How Great You Were, and Will Never Be Again)- Poison the Well
* Riffs and Variations on a Single Note for Jelly Roll, Earl Hines, Louis Armstrong, Baby Dodds, and the King of Swing, to Name a Few - Sufjan Stevens
* I've Got 10 Friends and a Crowbar That Says You Ain't Gonna Do Jack - Underoath
* They Perched on Their Stilts, Pointing and Daring Me to Break Custom - Saosin
* The Undertaker's Thirst for Revenge Is Unquenchable (The Final Battle) - Chiodos
* Someday, in the Event That Mankind Actually Figures Out What it is That This World Revolves Around, Thousands of People are Going to Be Shocked and Perplexed to Find Out it Was Not Them. Sometimes, This Includes Me. - The Chariot

Monday, April 28, 2008

Top 10 Most Offensive Glassjaw Lyrics

10. "You can lead a whore to water/And you can bet she'll drink and follow orders" - Pretty Lush
9. "Look into my eyes and shut the fuck up" - Star Under My Bed
8. "Shut up and swallow my pride for me" - Lovebites and Razorlines
7. "I don't give a fuck about your dignity/That's the bastard in me" - Lovebites and Razorlines
6. "Grunt fuck/Grin fuck/Push her in the snow fuck" - Stuck Pig
5. "A notch on my belt is how you shall exist/A notch on my bedpost is how you shall exist/And no more no less for the common good/That's you, american womanhood" - Convectuoso
4. "As long as your mouth is shut/You'll still be fucking beautiful" - Motel of the White Locust
3. "I only beat you when I'm drunk/You're only pretty when you're crying" - Piano
2. "I'll hold my child's head underwater/If it's a boy, I was joking/If it's a daughter, I'll say I did what I did because I had to/And if you find my kid later tell her I laughed too" - Hurting and Shoving (She Should Have Let Me Sleep)
1. "Though I like your pretty eyes better blackened and my fists all fucking red" - Motel of the White Locust

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Annoying traits common to most girls I know, to one degree or another.

* Using the phrase "I'll do it later" as code for "Never happening."
* Never saying what's really on their mind until it's too late.
* They're generally unreliable.
* Indecisive.
* They don't appreciate football, be it NCAA or NFL.
* Aggressive music is for some reason unpalatable.
* Use of the word "silly".
* Unrealistic expectations of me.
* They give off a constant, nagging impression that we are, in fact, diametrically opposed, and that all communication is a waste.
* They are not good with directions (giving or receiving).
* They don't understand why I love the Great Gatsby.

Friday, April 25, 2008

What I learned from the movie Goodfellas

* Though initially glamorous, life in the mob usually results in a prison term or death.
* Babysitters are unreliable drug mules.
* You can have an extramarital affair with no consequences.
* Whenever a murder victim is discovered, the piano coda from "Layla" plays.
* Never disrespect Joe Pesci.
* Ray Liotta is an ideal candidate if you ever need someone to narrate your life.
* Jewish women are difficult in relationships.
* Cocaine is bad for your health, though dealing it is good for your wallet.
* Loyalty to your friends is important, unless they are about to kill you.
* It is relatively easy to commit, and get away with, large scale robberies.
* As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.

Things the kids can do (and who made that decision)

* Not look up to him (Charles Barkley)
* Get up (the Get Up Kids)
* Eat Trix cereal (anthropomorphic rabbit)
* Eat rat shit (Lou Reed)
* Eat a bag of dicks (A Wilhelm Scream)
* Not stand a chance (Vampire Weekend)
* Be alright (the Who)
* Call you Ho-Ju (Homer Simpson)
* Be shrunk to minuscule size without your wife’s approval (Rick Moranis)

People who look like Robert Duvall

* Rudolph Giuliani
* Gerald Ford (if he lost a little weight)
* Robert Duvall
* My junior high school principal, Mr. Case
* Billy Graham (minus his hair)
* My anthropology prof, Dr. Kuijt

Things I hate more than being moderately sick (no order)

* People who play hip-hop too loud.
* When good actors appear in shitty movies.
* The ever plummeting dignity of contestants on reality TV series’.
* The retarded putting game people play in the halls, dressed up like they’re actually golfing. You’re not golfing. Get over yourself.
* Being really sick.
* The Miami Dolphins’ continuing inability to find a franchise quarterback.
* Terrible in-flight movies.
* The weak scruff that my face claims constitutes a beard and mustache.
* Vague or oversimple essay prompts. One is too broad, the other is too narrow. One you can write a book on, the other, a sentence.
* The cinematography in Behind Enemy Lines.
* The resurgence in popularity of wayfarers. They don’t look good.
* Plaid.
* That Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared each only lasted a season. A tragedy.
* Beer pong’s inherent dirtiness.
* Facebook applications.