Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade

10. That '70s Show
9. Undeclared
8. Futurama
7. Curb Your Enthusiasm
6. South Park
5. Chappelle's Show
4. Freaks and Geeks
3. Arrested Development
2. Breaking Bad
1. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Friday, December 25, 2009

Top 10 Albums of 2009

10. The Red Chord – Fed Through the Teeth Machine
9. Mastodon – Crack the Skye
8. Thursday – Common Existence
7. Converge – Axe to Fall
6. Arctic Monkeys – Humbug
5. Gallows – Grey Britain
4. Brand New – Daisy
3. Every Time I Die – New Junk Aesthetic
2. The Horrors – Primary Colours
1. Fake Problems – It’s Great to be Alive

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Top 20 Songs of 2009

20. Thrice – The Weight
19. Cursive – What Have I Done?
18. Suicide Silence – Lifted
17. Franz Ferdinand – Live Alone
16. Cobra Starship – Good Girls Go Bad
15. The Red Chord – Demoralizer
14. Black Lips – Drugs
13. Julian Casablancas – 11th Dimension
12. Mastodon – Divinations
11. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Heads Will Roll
10. Thursday – Beyond the Visible Spectrum
9. Polar Bear Club – One Hit Back
8. Converge – Dark Horse
7. A Wilhelm Scream – Bulletproof Tiger
6. Brand New – Bought a Bride
5. Arctic Monkeys – Cornerstone
4. Gallows – The Great Forgiver
3. Every Time I Die – Wanderlust
2. The Horrors – Primary Colours
1. Fake Problems – Heart BPM

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Thoughts that go through your head while studying for exams

* Good Lord, I don't know anything!
* What time is it?
* Is it really worth studying for this test?
* I wonder what's on TV right now.
* Can I fit a nap in somewhere?
* If I take a break for a couple minutes, can I dash off my semi-annual list relating to finals?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Top 10 Acting Performances of the Decade

10. Nicolas Cage as Charlie and Donald Kaufman in Adaptation.
9. Mickey Rourke as Randy "the Ram" Robinson in the Wrestler
8. Heath Ledger as the Joker in the Dark Knight
7. Viggo Mortenson as Tom Stall / Joey Cusack in A History of Violence
6. Jack Nicholson as Warren Schmidt in About Schmidt
5. Bruno Ganz as Adolf Hitler in Downfall
4. Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds
3. Javier Bardem as Anton Chigurh in No Country for Old Men
2. Gene Hackman as Royal Tenenbaum in the Royal Tenenbaums
1. Daniel Day-Lewis as Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Guest list by Brian Boll: 68 Different Ways to Call Someone a Butt-Pirate or its Approximants

mud marauder
anal buccaneer
rectal swashbuckler
poopy pontiff
turd tunneler
well widener
mire monarch
rectal rook
butt bishop
bilious buttbaler
pumpkin carver
gaping griffon
sphincter sphynx
inner tuber
exit enterer
derrière despoiler
rump reaver
gong farmer
mud miner
void voyager
long-john juggernaut
fart filler
entrail eloper
offal ombudsman
colon conquerer
prostate approximator
peristalsis pugilist
plum poker
pipe plier
poop pillager
rank ravager
pepper pilgrim
shit sheather
fœcal fisherman
posterior perditionist
behind breacher
orifice ostrich
homunculus holer
sluice spreader
dung dilator
intestinal insurgent
lunar illuminator
crater invader
smelly steamshovel
detritus defiler
vent vicar
dimple blimper
gunk gardener
tush trasher
bootie tutee
dark shark
pit pummeler
ditch dunker
coda creamer
ravine ripper
crack smacker
fanny filcher
bun burrower
glute shooter
haunch hammerer
duff stuffer
hiney whore
rim raider
furrow fencer
cheek freak
gorge forger
chasm phantasm
cleft shef

Monday, November 30, 2009

Ten things that are underrated

* Jalapenos
* The River by Bruce Springsteen, both the album and the song
* Gin
* Having all your socks be the same color
* The Onion's AV Club
* Steve McQueen in Bullitt
* The Philadelphia Eagles
* Sleeping late
* American Dad
* Elton John's early 70s work

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Cities in the United States I would like to visit

* Portland
* Nashville
* Las Vegas
* New Orleans
* Miami
* New York City
* Minneapolis
* Boise
* Austin
* Philadelphia
* Louisville
* Denver

Friday, November 20, 2009

Little known facts about me

* I have never been farther east than Indianapolis on the North American continent.
* I am rather good at balancing things.
* There are only four degrees of separation between myself and Kevin Bacon.
* No one in my family in recent memory, except me, has been left-handed. This has never been explained.
* I have attended one Catholic school or another for 14 straight years, and counting.
* I will not eat asparagus or shellfish.
* I did not realize July and August both had 31 days until I was 17.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Songs I would like to see Barack Obama do karaoke to

* Brown Sugar by the Rolling Stones
* Crocodile Rock by Elton John
* (You Gotta) Fight for your Right (to Party) by the Beastie Boys
* Heartless by Kanye West
* Brown Eyed Handsome Man by Chuck Berry
* We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Top 10 Directors

10. David Fincher
9. Sam Raimi
8. Michel Gondry
7. Alfred Hitchcock
6. Clint Eastwood
5. The Coen Brothers
4. Sergio Leone
3. Wes Anderson
2. Francis Ford Coppola
1. Martin Scorcese

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Bands the Gaslight Anthem should rip off instead of the Boss

* The Rolling Stones, circa Let It Bleed
* Elvis Costello and the Attractions, from 1976 to 1981
* ZZ Top
* The Who, circa Who's Next
* Creedence Clearwater Revival

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Guest list by Ben Gruber: Top 20 Board Games of All-Time

20. Topple
19. Pictionary
18. Connect Four
17. Bermuda Triangle
16. Twister
15. Backgammon
14. Hungry Hungry Hippos
13. Cranium
12. Yahtzee
11. Trouble
10. Battleship
9. Chess
8. Operation
7. Clue
6. Jenga
5. Checkers
4. Monopoly
3. Risk
2. Guess Who?
1. Scrabble

Monday, October 26, 2009

Guest list by Liam Condon: Top 10 Lamest Things

1 - People that don't think Seinfeld is funny
2 - When people think that their party is comparable to an S Club party.
3 - Glare on TVs
4 - Multiple choice questions with more than four options
5 - Men who wear V-necks
6 - When people say "I heart" instead of "I love"
7 - Sandals
8 - The Holocaust
9 - Wind
10 - When you sit down at a desk and it's covered in eraser bits.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Album of the Year Shortlist

• Thursday – Common Existence
• Fake Problems – It’s Great to Be Alive
• Black Lips – 200 Million Thousand
• Franz Ferdinand – Tonight: Franz Ferdinand
• Mastodon – Crack the Skye
• Yeah Yeah Yeahs – It’s Blitz!
• Gallows – Grey Britain
• The Horrors – Primary Colours
• Arctic Monkeys – Humbug
• Brand New – Daisy
• Every Time I Die – New Junk Aesthetic
• Suicide Silence – No Time to Bleed
• Converge – Axe to Fall

Friday, October 16, 2009

Top 10 dead people I'd like to sit down and have a chat with

10. Mark Twain
9. Friedrich Nietzsche
8. Malcolm X
7. Humphrey Bogart
6. Cecil Rhodes
5. Winston Churchill
4. Erwin Rommel
3. Leon Trotsky
2. Dean Martin
1. F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The coolest people in the world, by year, since 1903 (5 of 5)

1987: Sean Connery – Stars in the Untouchables, for which he receives an Academy Award
1988: N.W.A. – Release their infamous album, Straight Outta Compton
1989: Tank Man – Stands in front of four oncoming tanks during the Tiananmen Square Massacre
1990: Joe Pesci, Robert DeNiro and Ray Liotta – Star in the crime drama Goodfellas
1991: Nirvana – Release their breakthrough album, Nevermind
1992: Michael Jordan – Wins his second consecutive NBA championship, as well as an Olympic gold medal as part of the “Dream Team”
1993: Snoop Doggy Dogg – Releases his debut album, Doggystyle
1994: Michael Schumacher – Wins his first Formula One World Championship
1995: Tom Hanks – Wins his second Academy Award for Best Actor in as many years for Forrest Gump, stars in Apollo 13 and voices the character Woody in Toy Story
1996: Tupac Shakur – Releases his biggest selling album, All Eyez on Me, and is murdered
1997: Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet – Star in Titanic
1998: John Glenn – Returns to space at 77 years old
1999: Kevin Spacey – Stars in his Academy Award winning role in American Beauty
2000: Radiohead – Release their highly experimental album, Kid A
2001: The Strokes – Release their highly touted debut album, Is This It
2002: Tom Brady – Wins his first Super Bowl
2003: The cast of Lord of the Rings – Appear in the final movie in the Lord of the Rings trilogy
2004: The Boston Red Sox – Win their first World Series since 1918
2005: Bloc Party – Release their debut album, Silent Alarm
2006: Daniel Craig – Appears in Casino Royale playing the role of James Bond
2007: Boise State Broncos – Upset the Oklahoma Sooners in overtime to win the Fiesta Bowl
2008: Barack Obama – Is elected President of the United States
2009: Silvio Berlusconi - Makes a never-ending stream of awesome quotes, and seems to be in the news more than anyone, ever

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The coolest people in the world, by year, since 1903 (4 of 5)

1966: Clint Eastwood – Stars as the Man with No Name in The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
1967: The Beatles – Release Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
1968: Jimi Hendrix – Releases his final album with the Jimi Hendrix Experience, Electric Ladyland
1969: Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin – Become the first men to walk on the moon
1970: Miles Davis – Releases Bitches Brew, a groundbreaking jazz release
1971: Steve McQueen – Stars in Le Mans, as a forced alternative to actually racing the 24 Hours of Le Mans
1972: The Rolling Stones – Release Exile on Main Street and embark on their notoriously wild American tour
1973: Elton John – Releases Don’t Shoot Me, I’m Only the Piano Player and Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
1974: Robert DeNiro – Appears in the Godfather, part II, a role which he wins an Academy Award for
1975: Bruce Springsteen – Releases his breakthrough album Born to Run
1976: The Ramones – Release their debut self-titled album
1977: Harrison Ford – Appears as Han Solo in Star Wars
1978: John Belushi and Dan Akroyd – Make their debut as the Blues Brothers on Saturday Night Live
1979: The Clash – Release their double album, London Calling
1980: Larry Hagman – His character, J.R. Ewing, is shot on TV’s Dallas
1981: Ronald Reagan – Survives an assassination attempt
1982: Wayne Gretzky – Scores 92 goals with 120 assists in a single NHL season
1983: Michael Jackson – Releases Billie Jean and Beat It as singles, and was so cool the ground lit up when he walked on it
1984: Prince – Releases the soundtrack to his film Purple Rain
1985: Madonna – Embarks on her first tour, the Virgin Tour
1986: Matthew Broderick – Stars in the title role of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The coolest people in the world, by year, since 1903 (3 of 5)

1945: George Orwell – Animal Farm is first published
1946: James Stewart – Stars in It’s a Wonderful Life
1947: Harry Truman and George Marshall – Begin the policy of containment
1948: Jackson Pollock – Paints No. 5, 1948, currently the most expensive painting in the world
1949: The Poe Toaster – Begins his annual salute to Edgar Allen Poe
1950: C.S. Lewis – Writes and publishes The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
1951: Marlon Brando – Stars in A Streetcar Named Desire
1952: John Wayne – Stars in the Quiet Man, a film he later describes as the favorite of his career
1953: Ian Fleming – Publishes Casino Royale, the first novel featuring James Bond
1954: Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio – The pair elope
1955: Chuck Berry – Records and releases “Maybellene,” one of the first rock and roll songs
1956: Elvis Presley – Appears on the Ed Sullivan Show for the first time
1957: Jack Kerouac – Publishes On the Road
1958: Charles de Gaulle – Is elected the President of France with an overwhelming majority
1959: Buddy Holly – Dies in an airplane crash
1960: The Rat Pack – Appear in Ocean’s Eleven
1961: John F. Kennedy – Is inaugurated as President
1962: Peter O’Toole – Stars in Lawrence of Arabia
1963: Martin Luther King – Writes his Letter from Birmingham Jail and gives his “I Have a Dream” speech
1964: Malcolm X – Leaves the Nation of Islam with the intent to form a black nationalist party
1965: Bob Dylan – Goes electric at the Newport Folk Festival and releases Highway ’61 Revisited

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The coolest people in the world, by year, since 1903 (2 of 5)

1924: George Gershwin – Rhapsody in Blue is first performed
1925: F. Scott Fitzgerald – The Great Gatsby is published
1926: Robert Goddard – Launches the first liquid-fuelled rocket after suffering years of ridicule and criticism
1927: Charles Lindbergh – Makes the first solo non-stop trans-Atlantic flight
1928: Alexander Fleming – Discovers Penicillin
1929: Leon Trotsky – Exiled from the Soviet Union
1930: David Chrisman, William Sweets, and Harry Engman Charlot – Create the radio (and later many other media types) pulp hero, The Shadow
1931: Eliot Ness – After years of investigation, accumulates enough evidence to build a case against Al Capone, who is charged with tax evasion
1932: Franklin D. Roosevelt – Elected President of the United States in a landslide
1933: Three unknown members of the Harvard Lampoon – Steal the Sacred Cod of Massachusetts from the State House
1934: Fredi Washington and Louise Beavers – Appear in the groundbreaking film adaptation of Imitation of Life, a movie that dealt explicitly with race issues
1935: James Braddock – Becomes heavyweight champion of the world after winning as a 10-to-1 underdog
1936: Jesse Owens – Wins the 100 meter dash at the Berlin Olympics
1937: Howard Hughes – Sets a new record for his transcontinental flight from New York to Los Angeles
1938: Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster – National Allied Publications publishes Action Comics #1, which features Siegel and Schuster’s creation, Superman
1939: Lou Gehrig – Gives his last public speech, stating, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth."
1940: Winston Churchill – Elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
1941: Orson Welles – Releases Citizen Kane, which he wrote, directed, produced and starred in
1942: Enrico Fermi – Initiates the first self-sustaining nuclear reaction
1943: Humphrey Bogart – Casablanca is given a wide release, vaulting its star into the public image
1944: Oskar Schindler – Bribes and negotiates with Nazi officials, saving the lives of hundreds of Jews

Monday, September 21, 2009

The coolest people in the world, by year, since 1903 (1 of 5)

1903: The Wright Brothers – The first men to successfully design and fly a plane
1904: J.M. Barrie – His play Peter Pan is first performed on stage
1905: Albert Einstein –Theory of Special Relativity is first proposed in a paper
1906: Theodore Roosevelt – Wins Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating peace in Russo-Japanese War, and becomes the first sitting President to make a trip outside America
1907: Maria Montessori – Establishes her first school using the education system bearing her name
1908: Henry Ford – Model T first produced
1909: Theodore Roosevelt – Just 19 days after leaving the White House, goes on safari to Africa
1910: Theodore Roosevelt – Becomes the first president to ride in an airplane, less than seven years after its invention
1911: Hiram Bingham – Rediscovers Machu Picchu
1912: Harry Houdini – First escapes the Chinese water torture cell
1913: Pancho Villa – Returns from self-imposed exile in America to lead the Mexican Revolution
1914: Rasputin – Survives an assassination attempt that left his guts hanging from his abdomen
1915: John McCrae – Writes In Flanders Field during the Second Battle of Ypres
1916: James Joyce – Publishes A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
1917: Vladimir Lenin – Leads the Bolshevik Party in the Russian Revolution
1918: Woodrow Wilson – Delivers his Fourteen Points speech
1919: Rosa Luxemburg and Karl Liebknecht – Murdered following a failed communist revolution
1920: Babe Ruth – Traded by the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankees
1921: Mohandas Gandhi – Becomes leader of the Indian National Congress, promoting Indian independence
1922: Benito Mussolini – Seizes power in Italy under the banner of his National Fascist Party
1923: T.S. Eliot – The Waste Land first published in book form

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

5 strong candidates for the Male Hall of Fame

* The guy who invented beer in a bottle
* The guy who popularized women shaving their legs
* The guy who matched cheese to nachos
* The guy who first stuck a radio in a car
* The guy who decided to put meat on a grill

Friday, September 11, 2009

My all-90s all-star mix

1. OMC - How Bizarre
2. Chumbawumba - Tubthumping
3. Haddaway - What is Love?
4. Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
5. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Scar Tissue
6. Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
7. The Fresh Prince - Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire theme song
8. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - The Impression that I Get
9. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
10. Foo Fighters - Everlong
11. Weezer - Buddy Holly
12. Smashing Pumpkins - 1979
13. Blink-182 - What's My Age Again?
14. Beastie Boys - Sabotage
15. Eagle-Eye Cherry - Save Tonight
16. The Offspring - Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)
17. Lenny Kravitz - American Woman
18. No Doubt - Don't Speak
19. Nirvana - All Apologies
20. Eve 6 - Here's to the Night

Monday, September 7, 2009

The ten best videos of the decade

The Loved Ones play a house party. Hijinx ensue.

The Strokes - Someday

See, the Strokes are normal people, just like you and me!

The late 70s must have been a good time for parties.

What hasn't been said about this one?

Outkast - Hey Ya! (Official Music Video) - Funny video clips are a click away

It's funny, because during the first half of the decade, Outkast did seem to be as popular as the Beatles.

I guess it is possible to be cool in Chicago after all.

Ah, the Epic Video. So commonly attempted, so rarely done as well as here.

Neat concept. Neat Mick Jagger impersonation.

Has the tone of a video ever matched the tone of a song as well as this?

Hats off to Flight of the Conchords for bringing attention to this important issue.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

The best musical acts ever, at this specific moment for me

1. The Rolling Stones
2. The Replacements
3. The Strokes
4. Leonard Cohen
5. Elvis Costello
6. The Hold Steady
7. Brand New
8. Tom Waits
9. Every Time I Die
10. Glassjaw

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Ten awful actors

* Orlando Bloom
* Frank Sinatra
* Kevin Costner
* Mark Hamill
* Charles Bronson
* Jimmy Fallon
* Sylvester Stallone
* Seann William Scott
* Ben Affleck
* Ashton Kutcher

Friday, August 28, 2009

Potential (and likely) massacres of the upcoming college football season

* Charleston Southern at No. 1 Florida
* Idaho at No. 14 Boise State
* Southeastern Louisiana at No. 10 Mississippi
* No. 6 Ohio State at Indiana
* Louisiana-Lafayette at No. 11 LSU
* No. 11 LSU, No. 4 USC, No. 16 Oregon, No. 12 Cal at Washington
* Washington at No. 23 Notre Dame

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Movies I'm somewhat tempted, yet still reluctant, to watch

* Audition
* Cannibal Holocaust
* The Last House on the Left (1972)
* Irreversible
* Dead Ringers
* Funny Games (1997)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Hot List, Fall 2009

* The word "rad"
* Tasteless remarks
* Ole Miss Rebels
* Cobra Starship
* Mispronouncing "Nazi" (ie: Nah-zi or Naz-ee)
* Deadpan humor
* Philadelphia Eagles

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Most anticipated things of the remaining months of 2009

* Brand New - Daisy
* Wes Anderson's Fantastic Mr. Fox
* Notre Dame's 2009 football season
* Every Time I Die - New Junk Aesthetic
* Converge - Axe to Fall
* 2009 NFL regular season
* Christmas
* An as yet undetermined new MP3 player

Sunday, August 9, 2009

100 things that annoy me...nah, just kidding, it's my top 5 favorite lyricists

5. Craig Finn
4. Jesse Lacey
3. Elvis Costello
2. Tom Waits
1. Paul Westerberg

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Top 5 Directors

5. Wes Anderson
4. Francis Ford Coppola
3. Sergio Leone
2. Martin Scorcese
1. Clint Eastwood

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The ten greatest works of art ever created by man

10. The Eiffel Tower by Gustave Eiffel
9. The Sistine Chapel ceiling by Michelangelo
8. The Thinker by Auguste Rodin
7. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
6. Symphony No. 9 by Beethoven
5. No. 5, 1948 by Jackson Pollock
4. The Starry Night by Vincent van Gogh
3. Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci
2. Paradise Lost by John Milton
1. Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Seven perfect albums

* Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run
* Elvis Costello - This Year's Model
* Rolling Stones - Let It Bleed
* The Replacements - Tim
* The Strokes - Is This It
* Tom Waits - Rain Dogs
* Joy Division - Closer

Monday, July 20, 2009

Things from "Stuff White People Like" that I do, in fact, like

* Hating people who wear Ed Hardy
* Funny or ironic tattoos
* Black music that black people don't listen to anymore
* America
* Halloween
* The Onion
* Facebook
* Girls with bangs
* Grammar
* Music piracy
* Shorts
* T-Shirts
* Modern furniture
* Musical comedy
* Michel Gondry
* Standing still at concerts
* Lawyers
* Irony
* Vintage
* Indie Music
* Wine
* Having black friends
* Wes Anderson movies
* Film festivals

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

My father's take on several bands I listen to

* The Gaslight Anthem: "This sounds like that band your mother likes [The Killers]."
* The Replacements: "Why don't more bands have smart lyrics like this?"
* The Horrors: "It's the return of rock and roll!"
* The Hold Steady: "This guy [singer Craig Finn] has a lot of problems with drugs and girls. They're a good band."
* Dance Club Massacre: Just stares at me with an facial expression that says "Really, Ryan? Really?"
* Genghis Tron: Same as above.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Potential names for the racehorse I plan on eventually buying

* Black Donnie
* Bus Back to Homoville
* Chips Ahoy!
* She Are the Manager
* Capital Funishment
* Bill the Cat

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Top 5 late night foods

5. Donuts
4. Cheetos
3. Pizza
2. Submarine sandwich
1. Cheeseburger (and fries, if possible)

Saturday, June 27, 2009

9 incredibly arbitrary wedding demands that make it unlikely I will ever marry

1. The wedding must not, directly or indirectly, cause me to miss a college or pro football game. This essentially means September through January are off limits.
2. There must be a cash bar. This will ensure only the people I like drink for free, because I'll buy drinks for my friends.
3. The first dance must be to Kiss' "I Was Made for Loving You Baby." Non-negotiable.
4. Before the dinner, a single cigarette is to be laid on each and every attendee's side plate.
5. Dollar bills must be thrown instead of rice when exiting the church.
6. If the DJ plays "Dancing Queen" or "Cadillac Ranch," the marriage is immediately annulled.
7. The priest must be a John Cleese impersonator.
8. The color scheme cannot be anything gay. No more pale pinks, purples, and yellows.
9. Finally, the following people must be invited, regardless of whether they are living, dead, or fictional:
- Clint Eastwood
- Steve McQueen
- Daffy Duck
- Vince Vaughn
- Marie Antoinette
- Captain America

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Saturday, June 20, 2009

Half-year in half-review: Top ten songs, top five albums from '09's first half


10. RevoLucian - Bale Out
9. Suicide Silence - Lifted
8. Franz Ferdinand - Live Alone
7. Mastodon - Divinations
6. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Zero
5. Thursday - Beyond the Visible Spectrum
4. Black Lips - Drugs
3. The Horrors - Primary Colors
2. Gallows - The Great Forgiver
1. Fake Problems - Heart BPM


5. Mastodon - Crack the Skye
4. Thursday - Common Existence
3. Gallows - Grey Britain
2. The Horrors - Primary Colors
1. Fake Problems - It's Great to Be Alive

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Ten things I think are completely fucking overrated

* The Shawshank Redemption
* Greece, as a nation
* Barack Obama
* Apple products
* Terrell Owens
* Radiohead
* Born in the USA, both the album and the song
* Vodka
* The Ohio State Buckeyes football team
* IMDb

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Hardcore covers of Bruce Springsteen that I'd like to hear

Fucked Up - Jungleland
Crime in Stereo - The Rising
Defeater - Meeting Across the River
Every Time I Die - Blinded by the Light
Converge - Independence Day
This Is Hell - I'm on Fire
Gallows - The Wrestler
Coalesce - No Surrender

Friday, June 5, 2009

The first 20 songs on a random playlist and my thoughts on each

1. Rolling Stones - Midnight Rambler: This is a live version that is almost 13 minutes long. It rules.
2. Ramones - I Don't Want to Live this Life (Anymore): A rarer song by the Ramones. It sounds like all other early Ramones songs, except slow.
3. The Get Up Kids - Ten Minutes: From their live album, and one of the better ones by them.
4. Minor Threat - Screaming at a Wall: Not a huge Minor Threat fan, but this is a decent song.
5. Franz Ferdinand - Bite Hard: Finally something new. Not one of the stronger tracks on their new album, though still good.
6. The Locust - Tower of Mammal: I've never listened to this song before. It's...abrasive. And fast. Not bad.
7. Rolling Stones - Shine a Light: Another live Stones cut, and another good one.
8. Zao - Free the Three: Not liking this. Gonna guess "the Three" means the Holy Trinity. Christian bands, amirite?
9. Head Wound City - Street College: Why didn't this group make more than one EP? This is awesome.
10. Head Automatica - Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Straight Edge (CHA Remix): A horrible remix by a horrible remix duo.
11. Brand New - Brothers: Great, great song. Very powerful lyrics.
12. Rolling Stones - Start Me Up: I'm starting to question the randomness of this playlist, though I do have a disproportionate amount of Stones in my collection.
13. Bleeding Through - French Inquisition: In retrospect, this band only wrote one good song. This isn't it.
14. The Killers - Losing Touch: My mom and brother love this band. I'm ambivalent, and not a fan of the horn on this song.
15. AFI - This Time Imperfect: Man, Sing the Sorrow was my jam in 2003. This song brings me back.
16. Maylene and the Sons of Disaster - Dry the River: This song is how modern Southern Rock should be played.
17. Ramones - We're a Happy Family: See above for thoughts on the Ramones.
18. These New Puritans - Numerology (aka Numbers): Inventive and catchy post-punk. Love it.
19. The Mars Volta - Ouroborous: This song is a lot better than I remember it being.
20. Jimmy Eat World - Work: This isn't Elvis Costello. I was sure we'd get one by him in 20 songs. Oh well, still a good song.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Five great things about Cormac McCarthy

* His books are mega-intense in their violence and emotional content
* He uses insane words like "predacious" and "abrogate"
* He's reclusive without giving off the "I collect my urine in jars" JD Salinger vibe
* He doesn't use much punctuation (this may not be considered great by some)
* His genre experimentation makes things like Westerns and post-apocalyptic sci-fi actually interesting to read

Monday, May 25, 2009

Every NFL team, ranked in order of personal preference

1. Miami Dolphins
2. Minnesota Vikings
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
4. Denver Broncos
5. Cincinnati Bengals
6. San Francisco 49ers
7. Houston Texans
8. New York Giants
9. Arizona Cardinals
10. Philadelphia Eagles
11. Atlanta Falcons
12. New England Patriots
13. San Diego Chargers
14. Dallas Cowboys
15. Carolina Panthers
16. Tennessee Titans
17. Kansas City Chiefs
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
19. Pittsburgh Steelers
20. Cleveland Browns
21. Detroit Lions
22. St. Louis Rams
23. New Orleans Saints
24. Baltimore Ravens
25. Washington Redskins
26. Green Bay Packers
27. Chicago Bears
28. Indianapolis Colts
29. Buffalo Bills
30. New York Jets
31. Seattle Seahawks
32. Oakland Raiders

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Top 10 favorite actors

10. Daniel Day-Lewis
9. Philip Seymour Hoffman
8. Morgan Freeman
7. Viggo Mortenson
6. Robert Duvall
5. Jack Nicholson
4. James Stewart
3. Steve McQueen
2. Robert De Niro
1. Clint Eastwood

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Possible reasons this blog entry is going up early

* I just could not wait to show you how meta and self-reflexive I am.
* The shoddy ghostwriter I've hired, since I'm too famous and wealthy to do this blog on my own, can't stick to a schedule.
* I'm going to be out of town for the long weekend and will not have Internet access.
* I just don't give a damn.
* The blog is switching to updating every three days instead of every five.
* Due to a recent drug and booze binge of staggering proportions, I believe it is actually Friday today.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Symptoms of spring allergies

* Itchy, watery eyes
* Stuffed runny nose
* Constant sneezing and coughing
* Inability to go outside for more than five minutes
* A general desire to be put out of your misery

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

More sadly unused band names

* Hooker With a Heart of Gold
* And Russ Tamblyn as Dr. Lawrence Jacoby
* Moonlight Mile
* Token Nazi Superman
* Fistful of Dynamite
* Happy Valley Sweatshop
* Jermaine O'Neal and the Slide Punches

Thursday, April 30, 2009

What bands to listen to if you want to be:

* Boring - Tortoise, Sigur Ros
* A douchebag - Oasis, Asher Roth
* The coolest person alive - Joy Division, Pig Destroyer (and nothing else)
* A middle-aged housewife - Late period Rod Stewart, Enya, Barry Manilow
* A cokehead - Justice, the Knife
* Really, really earnest - The Gaslight Anthem, the Hold Steady
* Gay - Madonna, Scissor Sisters
* A compelling argument for abortion - Millionaires, Brokencyde
* The "Everything was better 50 years ago" guy - Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Possible points where this blog jumped the shark

* The fiftieth anniversary list-ravaganza.
* Just now.
* Never. It continues to be a shining beacon of excellence in these dark times.
* The "Possible reasons I can't think of a good list" entry.
* About a month in, around the Hold Steady or New Wave songs entries.
* The top 100 songs series of entries.
* It has always been terrible.

Monday, April 20, 2009

More enticing replacements for John Madden than Chris Collinsworth

* Eric Dickerson
* Phil Simms
* Jim Rome
* Andre 3000 of Outkast
* John Belushi
* A cardboard cutout of John Madden
* Knute Rockne
* The money you could be saving with Geico

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Some of my favorite lines from movies

Goodfellas - "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster"

Dazed and Confused - "That's what I love about these high school girls...I get older, they stay the same age"

There Will be Blood - "I drink your milkshake...I drink it up!"

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - "We named the dog Indiana"

Apocalypse Now - "I love the smell of napalm in the morning"

Friday, April 10, 2009

Top 5 Letters of the Alphabet

5. B
4. A
3. Y
2. T
1. R

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Top ten favorite Twin Peaks characters

10. Shelly Johnson
9. Big Ed Hurley
8. Leland Palmer
7. Deputy Hawk
6. Denise Bryson
5. Pete Martell
4. Gordon Cole
3. Benjamin Horne
2. Audrey Horne
1. Special Agent Dale Cooper

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Possible reasons I can't think of a good list

* Accounting test Tuesday morning, Finance on Wednesday night
* The Nyquil I took
* I'm just lazy, and the meta-list-about-making-lists seems easy
* My inspiration was claimed by the recession
* There are literally no more list subjects to be covered
* We've reached the point where, much like latter period episodes of the Simpsons, most installations are just filler
* Ryan actually died six months ago, and a less capable replacement now writes this blog

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Soundtrack for my theoretical David Lynch-esque murder mystery film

1. Patsy Cline - Strange
2. Rolling Stones - Rip This Joint
3. Black Lips - I'll Be With You
4. John Prine - Please Don't Bury Me
5. Ramones - Do You Wanna Dance?
6. The King Khan and BBQ Show - I'll Never Belong
7. Tom Waits - Blind Love
8. Chuck Berry - No Particular Place to Go
9. ? and the Mysterians - 96 Tears
10. The Replacements - I'll Buy
11. The Horrors - Crawdaddy Simone
12. The Gaslight Anthem - Red at Night
13. Elvis Costello - Alison

Saturday, March 21, 2009

My All-Presidential Basketball Team

Point guard - Ronald Reagan
Shooting guard - Barack Obama
Small forward - George H.W. Bush
Power forward - George Washington
Center - Abraham Lincoln
Bench - Bill Clinton, Richard Nixon, Lyndon Johnson, Andrew Jackson

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Possible Bookstore Basketball team names

* Madoff Like A Bandit
* Palin - God 2012
* Helen Keller's Driving Academy
* Killed by Silver Bullets
* Women Driving
* Hits Like Chris Brown
* The Straight Village People

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Words that sound nice, but are, in fact, very bad to have in your system

* Chlamydia
* Mercury
* Botulism
* Ozone
* Electrasol
* Typhus

Monday, March 9, 2009

Directing and casting changes I would make to the Harry Potter film series


* Sorceror's Stone would be directed by Terry Gilliam
* Chamber of Secrets would be directed by David Fincher
* Prisoner of Azkaban would remain directed by Alfonso Cuaron
* Goblet of Fire would be directed by Guillermo Del Toro
* Order of the Phoenix would remain directed by David Yates
* Half-Blood Prince would be directed by David Lynch
* Deathly Hallows would be directed by Michel Gondry


* Alan Rickman is fine as Professor Snape, but I'd be interested to see Crispin Glover play the character
* Professor Quirrell should have been played by Philip Seymour Hoffman
* Remus Lupin should have been played by Clive Owen
* No disrespect to Jim Broadbent, but Horace Slughorn is perfect for John Cleese
* Alastor Moody should have been played by Ray Winstone

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

My top ten favorite books

10. Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
9. Heart of Darkness
8. To Kill a Mockingbird
7. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
6. Killing Yourself to Live
5. the Hobbit
4. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
3. the Road
2. House of Leaves
1. the Great Gatsby

Friday, February 27, 2009

Great lyrical kiss-offs and calling-outs

* Have another drink and drive yourself home / I hope there's ice on all the roads / And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt / And again when your head goes through the windshield
- Brand New - Seventy Times Seven
* I've bartered tact for wit and I've already made up a billion stories about you
Glassjaw - When One Eight Becomes Two Zeroes
* Cry yourself to sleep 'cause I am strong and you are weak
- Cursive - The Lament of Pretty Baby
* Breaking hearts has never looked so cool / As when you wrap your car around the tree
- Fall Out Boy - "Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things to Do Today"
* Because no one cares / About your selfish life / Your goals and hopes / Are hollow
- Fake Problems - Heart BPM
* If we never meet again it would be too soon
- Thursday - Streaks in the Sky
* Backpedaling and preaching / Like you're putting out a fire / You practice your pleasantries / While you're draped over the wire
- A Wilhelm Scream - Pardon Me, Thanks a Lot
* And the sign says, "Thank you very much for not smoking" / My own sign says, "I'm sorry, I'm smokin'"
- The Replacements - Waitress in the Sky
* When you hear this song / I hope that it will give you hell / You can sing along / I hope that it puts you through hell
- All American Rejects - Gives You Hell
* Bite your tongue / Who taught you those words?
- Every Time I Die - No Son of Mine

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Things wrong with this year's Academy Awards

* No one alive cares about Set Design and Costume Design. Remove them from the broadcast.
* Likewise for the technical awards.
* There Will Be Blood should somehow have won Best Picture.
* Hugh Jackman was not a bad host, but let's stick to comedians. I don't want to see Josh Brolin hosting the Academy Awards (you know who would be a good host? Vince Vaughn. Let's make that happen).
* Montages are filler.
* Medleys are super-filler.
* No acting nomination for Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Songs I like to listen to late at night (or, How I slowed the load speed of this page down rather substantially)

Cat Power - Song to Bobby

Elvis Costello - Alison

Brand New - Handcuffs

The Hold Steady - Slapped Actress

The National - Slow Show

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Top 10 Band Names

10. The Band
9. Liars
8. Minor Threat
7. The Dillinger Escape Plan
6. At the Drive-In
5. The Clash
4. Youth of Today
3. The Jimi Hendrix Experience
2. The Replacements
1. Sonic Youth

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Things I learned from the Godfather part II

* Making investments in nations with a history of guerrilla activity is unwise
* Never betray your brother
* Conversely, if your brother betrays you, it is permissible to have him killed after your mother dies
* The only thing more important than having a good lawyer is having politicians in your pocket
* Murder was ridiculously easy to get away with in the early 20th century
* Being wealthy and powerful means living on a compound
* Saying a Hail Mary while fishing will guarantee that you catch a fish
* Old Jews are tricky and arrogant, so kill them before they kill you
* Never cross young Al Pacino
* Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Monday, February 2, 2009

Top 10 Voices

10. Gilbert Gottfried
9. Snoop Dogg
8. Tom Waits
7. Morgan Freeman
6. Phil Hartman
5. Chris Berman
4. Ray Liotta
3. Clint Eastwood
2. Alec Baldwin
1. Sean Connery

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Top 40 Movies, numbers 20 through 1

20. High Fidelity
19. The Departed
18. The Exorcist
17. The Royal Tenenbaums
16. Dirty Harry
15. The Deer Hunter
14. There Will be Blood
13. This is Spinal Tap
12. Once Upon a Time in America
11. The Godfather
10. Taxi Driver
9. The Shining
8. Almost Famous
7. Casablanca
6. No Country for Old Men
5. Apocalypse Now
4. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
3. The Godfather, pt. II
2. Goodfellas
1. Unforgiven

Friday, January 23, 2009

Top 40 Movies, numbers 40 through 21

40. 28 Days Later
39. Sin City
38. Die Hard
37. The Thing
36. Toy Story
35. Wayne’s World
34. Downfall
33. Reservoir Dogs
32. Se7en
31. Dazed and Confused
30. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
29. Spider-Man 2
28. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings
27. Pan’s Labyrinth
26. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn
25. Zodiac
24. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
23. The Dark Knight
22. Anchorman
21. Bullitt

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Songs I haven't heard in like, five years, that everyone my age seems to love

* Smash Mouth - All Star
* Sisqo - Thong Song
* Eve 6 - Here's to the Night
* Nelly - Hot in Herre
* Crazytown - Butterfly
* Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life
* Eagle-Eye Cherry - Save Tonight
* Red Hot Chili Peppers - Scar Tissue
* Shaggy - It Wasn't Me

Friday, January 16, 2009

Tattoos I would get, were they not, you know, permanent.

* Robert DeNiro as Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver on my inside left forearm
* Clint Eastwood as the Man with No Name from the Good, the Bad and the Ugly on my inside right forearm
* AWESOME! spelt across my knuckles
* The Glassjaw GJ and "This is worship and this is tribute" on my right bicep
* The Thursday dove and "Let the mountain sleep in the past with all our bad dreams" on my left bicep
* The cover art from No Heroes by Converge on my chest with "No heroes" in cursive above it across my collarbones
* "The victor belongs to the spoils" on outside left forearm
* The Friuli coat of arms on outside right forearm
* Batman punching out Hitler, wherever there is space

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Most Anticipated Albums of 2009

* Franz Ferdinand - Tonight: Franz Ferdinand
* Thursday - Common Existence
* Fake Problems - It's Great to Be Alive
* Converge
* Every Time I Die
* Head Automatica
* Gallows - Grey Britain
* El Bronx
* Glassjaw
* Set Your Goals
* Cursive - Mama, I'm Swollen
* Poison the Well
* Arctic Monkeys
* Dillinger Escape Plan
* A Wilhelm Scream

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Great band names that are still unused (as far as I know), and the type of music best suited to each name

* Silver St. Cloud (90s screamo)
* The Knaves (Britpop)
* Color Me Blood Red (Arty metalcore)
* Rook Takes Pawnshop (Neo-new wave)
* Mama Teresa and the Black Jesuses (Garage rock)
* Luca Brasi (Hardcore)