Saturday, June 27, 2009

9 incredibly arbitrary wedding demands that make it unlikely I will ever marry

1. The wedding must not, directly or indirectly, cause me to miss a college or pro football game. This essentially means September through January are off limits.
2. There must be a cash bar. This will ensure only the people I like drink for free, because I'll buy drinks for my friends.
3. The first dance must be to Kiss' "I Was Made for Loving You Baby." Non-negotiable.
4. Before the dinner, a single cigarette is to be laid on each and every attendee's side plate.
5. Dollar bills must be thrown instead of rice when exiting the church.
6. If the DJ plays "Dancing Queen" or "Cadillac Ranch," the marriage is immediately annulled.
7. The priest must be a John Cleese impersonator.
8. The color scheme cannot be anything gay. No more pale pinks, purples, and yellows.
9. Finally, the following people must be invited, regardless of whether they are living, dead, or fictional:
- Clint Eastwood
- Steve McQueen
- Daffy Duck
- Vince Vaughn
- Marie Antoinette
- Captain America

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