Sunday, December 30, 2012

Assorted superlatives, 2012


  • Best new artist: Royal Headache
  • Biggest disappointment: Trash Talk - 119
  • Biggest surprise: Circle Takes the Square releasing their much-anticipated new album a few days ago
  • Best album from 2011 that I didn't hear until 2012: Ghost Thrower - 10 Songs
  • Genre I got super into this year: RnB
  • Is that Miguel song good?: Yes
  • Best EP: I didn't listen to any EPs that came out this year
  • Album I'm most likely to regret not listening to this year: I dunno, Krallice?
  • Best live show I "saw" this year: Refused at Coachella (via Youtube)
  • Best album cover: 2 Chainz - Based on a T.R.U. Story

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Top 15 albums of 2012


15. Crystal Castles – III
14. Xerxes – Our Home Is A Deathbed
13. Code Orange Kids – Love Is Love // Return to Dust
12. Title Fight – Floral Green
11. Xibalba – Hasta La Muerte
10. Frank Ocean – channel ORANGE
9. Kendrick Lamar – good kid, m.A.A.d. city
8. How To Dress Well – Total Loss
7. Japandroids – Celebration Rock
6. Every Time I Die – Ex Lives
5. The Gaslight Anthem – Handwritten
4. Royal Headache – Royal Headache
3. The xx – Coexist
2. Twin Shadow – Confess
1. Converge – All We Love We Leave Behind

Monday, December 24, 2012

Top 20 Songs of 2012


20. Kanye West feat. Big Sean, Pusha T, 2 Chainz – Mercy
19. Crystal Castles – Plague
18. The Killers – Runaways
17. Title Fight – Numb but I Still Feel It
16. Lana Del Rey – Ride
15. The Men – Open Your Heart
14. Ceremony – Video
13. Xibalba – Sentenced
12. How to Dress Well – Ocean Floor for Everything
11. Every Time I Die – Indian Giver
10. The Gaslight Anthem – 45
9. Kendrick Lamar – Swimming Pools
8. Arctic Monkeys – R U Mine?
7. Japandroids – Continuous Thunder
6. Nick Hook with Color Film – It’s a Sin
5. Royal Headache – Honey Joy
4. The xx – Reunion
3. Converge – All We Love We Leave Behind
2. Frank Ocean – Pyramids
1. Twin Shadow – Be Mine Tonight

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Potential bits I've written for Jerry Seinfeld's stand-up routine

  • What's the deal with lines in grocery stores?
  • What's the deal with traffic jams?
  • What's the deal with airplanes?
  • What's the deal with Mondays?
  • What's the deal with ads on public transit?
  • What's the deal with cash-only restaurants?
  • What's the deal with shopping for clothes?
  • What's the deal with hospital food?

Friday, December 14, 2012

Selected mysteries of life, as queried in the 2004 Jadakiss hit "Why"

  • Why is Jadakiss as hard as it gets?
  • Why is the industry designed to keep the artist in debt?
  • Why is rattin' at an all time high?
  • Why Aaliyah have to take that flight?
  • Why they come up with the witness protection?
  • Why they let the Terminator win the election?
  • Why they didn't make the CL6 with a clutch?
  • Why ain't you a thug by choice?
  • Why the whole world love my voice?

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Evolution of my musical taste

Nu-metal => Nirvana => Emo => Post-hardcore => Metalcore => Deathcore => Indie => Springsteen => Hardcore => Dire Straits

Monday, December 3, 2012

Here are some football players who I think are just the greatest (and my idiotic nicknames for them)

  • Big Al Morris
  • Tony Gonzo
  • Randall "Salad of the type" Cobb
  • Steven "Brokeback" Jackson
  • Dezi Arnaz
  • Wesi Arnaz
  • Gronk

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Songs I absolutely loathe

  • Elton John and Kiki Dee - Don't Go Breaking My Heart (thankfully haven't heard this in quite some time, but I recall the chorus being one of the most irritating sounds ever)
  • Rod Stewart - Forever Young (tough to pick just one from latter-era Rod)
  • Celine Dion - A New Day Has Come (bad song, really bad song)
  • John Lennon - Imagine (it's easy to talk-up communism when you're a multi-millionaire, not to mention incredibly condescending)
  • Weezer - Beverly Hills (rare to find a song that is so aggressively awful - like they were consciously trying to make the most grating song ever)
  • Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You (I hate Kevin Costner, and I hate this song)
  • Don McLean - American Pie (it's like forty-five fucking minutes long, and the sentiment is just incredibly trite)
  • City High - What Would You Do? (taaaaaaaaalk about preachy)
  • Chamillionaire - Ridin' (epitomizes everything terrible about mid-'00s hip-hop)
  • Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta - Summer Nights (this song makes me want to die)

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Top ten South Park episodes

10. Mecha-Streisand
9. Christian Rock Hard
8. Cartman Joins NAMBLA
7. You're Getting Old
6. Scott Tenorman Must Die
5. Hell on Earth 2006
4. Trapped in the Closet
3. Good Times with Weapons
2. AWESOM-O
1. Raisins

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Football players with names that sound like they're from '70s cop shows

  • Sav Rocca
  • Jackie Battle
  • Teddy Bridgewater
  • Chris Ivory
  • Michael Crabtree
  • Leon Washington
  • Steele Devitto

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Five bands who failed to deliver albums that I really wanted to hear this year


  • The National
  • Vampire Weekend
  • Fake Problems
  • A Wilhelm Scream
  • Circle Takes the Square

Thursday, November 8, 2012

17 great mid-'00s new wave/post-punk songs


  • Head Automatica - Brooklyn is Burning
  • Bloc Party - Banquet
  • Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
  • The Killers - Somebody Told Me
  • The Bravery - Honest Mistake
  • The Faint - I Disappear
  • Hot Hot Heat - Goodnight Goodnight
  • Interpol - Slow Hands
  • Kaiser Chiefs - Every Day I Love You Less and Less
  • The Hives - A Little More for Little You
  • The Rapture - Sister Savior
  • Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage
  • Arctic Monkeys - Fake Tales of San Francisco
  • The Futureheads - Hounds of Love
  • The Strokes - 12:51
  • Pink Spiders - Modern Swinger
  • Kasabian - Club Foot

Friday, November 2, 2012

Reasons not to vote


  • Went to Yale, can't support a Harvard man
  • Live in a non-swing state
  • Boycotting the US election system until they recognize that Nader won Florida in 2000
  • Both candidates are pawns of the Zionist New World Order
  • Don Draper doesn't, and he certainly seems to know what he's doing
  • Kobe Bryant not on the ballot
  • Totally illiterate and not a believer in making random choices
  • Live in Detroit, relatively certain it is no longer legally part of the United States
  • Want to irritate the obnoxiously politically-minded
  • Barack Obama is your member of Parliament, and he always gets 75% of the vote in your riding anyways

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Top ten albums of the 1980s

10. Minor Threat - First Two 7"s on a 12"
9. The Rolling Stones - Tattoo You
8. The Cure - Disintegration
7. Bruce Springsteen - Nebraska
6. Talking Heads - Remain in Light
5. Joy Division - Closer
4. Elvis Costello and the Attractions - Get Happy!!
3. Tom Waits - Rain Dogs
2. Prince and the Revolution - Purple Rain
1. The Replacements - Tim

Thursday, October 25, 2012


Friday, October 19, 2012

Bands I have seen live that have received over an 8.0 on Pitchfork

  • Interpol
  • The Strokes
  • Times New Viking
  • Fucked Up
  • Minus the Bear
  • Blood Brothers
  • Black Lips

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Incredibly collegiate things about my apartment


  • All "decorations" are in poster form
  • Number of plates owned: 1
  • The "coffee table" I'm typing this on is a wood board on top of four cinderblocks
  • The aggregate cost of the textbooks inside it make them the most valuable thing present
  • Ketchup only available in individual packet form
  • Bathroom is unspeakably filthy
  • Napkins are paper, never cloth

Monday, October 8, 2012

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Things you can do instead of watching the debate

  • Note loudly and obnoxiously how you "don't own a TV"
  • Go shopping, take advantage of everyone being glued to their screens (not bloody likely)
  • Smash the state
  • Re-watch the Kennedy / Nixon debate, decide who really won
  • Stare wistfully at those "Ron Paul 2012" signs you finally pulled out of your front lawn
  • Memorize the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song
  • Read live-blog commentary on the debate (ha!)
  • Your laundry, you incredible slob
  • Make a mental note not to keep writing lists about the election

Saturday, September 29, 2012

People who would probably star in Oliver Stone's boring, largely unwatched adaptation of this election cycle

  • Will Smith as Barack Obama
  • Bruce Campbell as Mitt Romney*
  • Beyonce or who-the-fuck-ever as Michelle Obama
  • Amy Poehler as I don't know Mitt's wife's name or appearance
  • Blah blah blah who cares
* Wouldn't this be perfect?! I mean, come on! Seriously, I came up with this on my own**

** Yes, this was the larger impetus for the list

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Lyrics from Cruel Summer that would make for terrible tattoos

  • I done sold purple / I done sold white
  • I never hit a woman never in my life
  • Built a house up on that ass / That's an ass-tate
  • I rather buy 80 gold chains and go ign'ant
  • 10 AM, it's West Side bitch
  • Way too cold, I promise you'll need some Theraflu
  • The jeans cost five hundred / Fuck
  • Shoe game out of this world / I outer space 'em
  • You think you me, but you ain't me

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Top 25 Hardcore Songs of the Last 15 Years

25. Dangers - Check, Please
24. Botch - C. Thomas Howell as the "Soul Man"
23. Modern Life Is War - D.E.A.D.R.A.M.O.N.E.S
22. Gallows - Orchestra of Wolves
21. Xibalba - Sentenced
20. Touche Amore - Home Away From Here
19. Blacklisted - Stations
18. Poison the Well - Ghostchant
17. Thrice - Deadbolt
16. At the Drive-In - Arcarsenal
15. The Bronx - Heart Attack American
14. Defeater - The Red, White and Blues
13. Misery Signals - The Year Summer Ended in June
12. Give Up the Ghost - Love American
11. This Is Hell - Permanence
10. A Wilhelm Scream - Bulletproof Tiger
9. Glassjaw - Siberian Kiss
8. Dillinger Escape Plan - Sunshine the Werewolf
7. Pissed Jeans - False Jesii, pt. 2
6. Ceremony - Into the Wayside Part I / Sick
5. Every Time I Die - I Been Gone a Long Time
4. Crime in Stereo - XXXX (The First 1000 Years of Solitude)
3. Fucked Up - Son the Father
2. Converge - Thaw
1.Refused - New Noise

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Potential new judges on American Idol

  • Sandra Day O'Connor
  • B.B. King
  • The Arizona Cardinals
  • Whitney Houston (a "Weekend at Bernie's" type situation)
  • Judge Reinhold
  • All the other members of Aerosmith
  • A magic eight ball

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

September power rankings

  1. Fantasy football
  2. USC Trojans
  3. "Little Red Corvette" by Prince
  4. Political histrionics
  5. Alabama Crimson Tide
  6. Women in David Lynch productions
  7. Leaves on Midwestern trees during the fall
  8. Breaking Bad
  9. LSU Tigers
  10. The xx
Dropped from rankings: Proximity to Wendy's, summer vacation, summer in general, being near major metropolitan areas, having free time

Also receiving votes: "Sign o' the Times" by Prince, "The Master," Bill Murray, the Rolling Stones, favorable class schedules

Friday, August 31, 2012

Bonus stoked on football coming back list: Top 10 college football games of the 2011 season

10. Baylor 50, TCU 48
9. TCU 36, Boise State 35
8. Oregon 45, Wisconsin 38
7. LSU 9, Alabama 6
6. Michigan 35, Notre Dame 31
5. Baylor 67, Washington 56
4. Iowa State 37, Oklahoma State 31 (2 OT)
3. Wisconsin 42, Michigan State 39
2. Oklahoma State 41, Stanford 38 (OT)
1. Stanford 56, USC 48 (3 OT)

Top 5 albums I own on vinyl (in terms of rarity / appearance / personal connection)

5. The Libertines - For Pete's Sake (bootleg)
4. Glassjaw - Worship and Tribute (white, out of 1000 I think)
3. Ramones - Rocket to Russia (translucent red)
2. Radiohead - Kid A (double 10")
1. Fake Problems - Real Ghosts Caught on Tape (emerald blue, out of 700 or something)

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Five albums I'm really feeling lately

  • Frank Ocean - channel ORANGE
  • Joy Division - Closer
  • The xx - Coexist
  • Xibalba - Hasta La Muerte
  • Radiohead - Amnesiac

Monday, August 20, 2012

Things I have been doing these last two and a half weeks instead of making lists

  • Driving halfway across the country
  • Moving into a new apartment
  • Flying to and from Idaho
  • Relentlessly tanning
  • Not having Internet access
  • Watching the first season of Arrested Development for the millionth time
  • Eating burritos and burgers

Friday, August 3, 2012

What my ballot would look like if I was asked to vote in the Sight & Sound poll *

10. There Will Be Blood (dir. Paul Thomas Anderson)
9. Annie Hall (dir. Woody Allen)
8. Mulholland Drive (dir. David Lynch)
7. Taxi Driver (dir. Martin Scorsese)
6. 8½ (dir. Federico Fellini)
5. The Good, The Bad and the Ugly (dir. Sergio Leone)
4. 2001: A Space Odyssey (dir. Stanley Kubrick)
3. Psycho (dir. Alfred Hitchcock)
2. The Godfather (dir. Francis Ford Coppola)
1. Casablanca (dir. Michael Curtiz)

Shortlisted: Memento, Fargo, The Godfather pt. II, Brazil, Raging Bull, Chinatown, The Thing, Pan's Labyrinth

* In that these would represent, to me, the essential film canon, rather than my ten personal favorites (and yes, I know there are significant blindspots)

Monday, July 30, 2012

Things I learned from Google's suggested searches for "Is Celebrity X"

  • People are really interested in who is gay
  • People are also very suspicious of rappers (especially with regards to possible Illuminati involvement)
  • Consequently, rappers are the most fun to ask Google questions about
  • No one seems to know who is dead and who's alive
  • Apparently Alex Turner being "nice" is something of a concern
  • The "Is Snoop Dogg a Rastafarian" question makes sense in light of his recent announcement that he is releasing a reggae album
  • Some people are amazingly stupid ("Is Robert De Niro Jewish" - are you kidding me?)
  • Others have mighty high expectations for Google - I don't think it is qualified to answer your theological questions about Kurt Cobain's place in the afterlife

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Things Google suggests to complete your search when you type: *


  • "Is Eminem" - dead, gay, married, Illuminati
  • "Is Robert De Niro" - married, Jewish, gay, 's wife black
  • "Is Lindsay Lohan" - dead, gay, gay 2012, pregnant 2012
  • "Is Gucci Mane" - in jail, Illuminati, a Blood, dead
  • "Is Jeremy Lin" - injured, Nigahiga's cousin, hurt, coming back
  • "Is Alex Turner" - nice, gay, single, left handed
  • "Is Nancy Pelosi" - on crack, married, retiring, insane
  • "Is Lil B" - gay, serious, a joke, retarded
  • "Is Kurt Cobain" - dead, alive, in hell, overrated
  • "Is Snoop Dogg" - a Crip, dead, a felon, a Rastafarian
  • "Is Kim Kardashian" - pregnant, pregnant 2012, divorce, and Kanye West dating
  • "Is Adam Sandler" - dead, married, Jewish, dead 2012
* Presented without comment until the next list, which will discuss what I learned from this exercise

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Reactions to the Dark Knight Rises (spoiler-free)

  • If you took the over on the "15 minutes of trailers" prop bet, you're getting paid
  • Before you ask, Hathaway as Catwoman doesn't ruin the whole movie
  • Despite the movie itself being two hours and forty-five minutes long, I actually believe many scenes could have been extended
  • Christopher Nolan has never made a bad movie, and it seems like only a matter of time until he starts putting Oscars on the mantle
  • It only feels cool driving home at night after seeing Batman movies if you are driving stick - automatic is no good
  • Holy shit, what a movie
  • There has probably never been a blockbuster of such acting pedigree - of the main cast, only Tom Hardy and Joseph Gordon-Levitt have not been nominated for/won Academy Awards (and neither of those two are exactly slouches)
  • I am seriously considering seeing this again this weekend
  • Bane is a fabulous villain
  • Okay, one only slightly spoiler-y reaction (highlight for text): Nolan's interpretation has been praised for its realism, and I think this really came through in that DKR emphasized the physical damage wrought on Bruce Wayne's body as a result of his actions as Batman - he physically couldn't remain Batman much longer

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Preseason college football odds to win the National Championship, as set by me

  • USC Trojans - 7:2
  • LSU Tigers - 4:1
  • Alabama Crimson Tide - 9:2
  • Oregon Ducks - 6:1
  • West Virginia Mountaineers - 8:1 (my dark horse NC pick)
  • Oklahoma Sooners - 10:1
  • Georgia Bulldogs - 12:1
  • Michigan Wolverines - 14:1
  • Iowa Hawkeyes - 50:1
  • Notre Dame Fighting Irish - 4,000,000,000:1

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Conversations I heard or participated in today at work

  • Game of Thrones (very popular topic)
  • What constitutes rape, especially with regards to male victims
  • Nine Inch Nails, generally
  • How frightened a person should be of taking Baltimore's public transit system
  • Frank Ocean's sexuality
  • The largest animals that have ever lived
  • Mermaids: Real or fake?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Top 10 Doritos flavors

10. Fiery Buffalo
9. Cool Ranch
8. Blazin' Jalapeno
7. Cool Ranch
6. Spicy Sweet Chili
5. Cool Ranch
4. Spicy Nacho
3. Cool Ranch
2. Cool Ranch
1. Cool Ranch

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Most anticipated albums for the second half of 2012

  • Converge - All We Love We Leave Behind
  • Xibalba - Hasta La Muerte
  • Frank Ocean - Channel Orange
  • The Gaslight Anthem - Handwritten
  • The xx - Coexist
  • GOOD Music - Cruel Summer
  • Gallows - s/t
  • Trash Talk - 119
  • United Nations
  • Fake Problems
  • letlive.
  • A Wilhelm Scream
  • The Acacia Strain
  • Against Me!
  • The National

Monday, June 25, 2012

Top 10 things I learned from visiting the Jersey Shore

10. Atlantic Ocean: Salty
9. It is possible to burn the tops of your feet
8. The beaches in New Jersey are apparently segregated by socioeconomic class
7. Dubstep is the dance music of choice now
6. There are dolphins just offshore (I didn't see them, but a friend did)
5. There is apparently no saturation point for the number of Italian restaurants or Irish pubs in a given area
4. Sleeping four or five hours a night and being out in the sun for several hours a day is not sustainable in the long term
3. Towns filled entirely with enormous beach houses tend to have heavy police presences
2. Open air gyms exist!
1. That guidos and guidettes are not inventions of the media, but are, in fact, very real

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Questionable decisions that can be dismissed by saying "YOLO"

  • Dropping out of school
  • Any and all abortions
  • Moving to LA to pursue an acting career
  • Becoming Amish
  • Deciding "not guilty" when on the Clemens or Edwards juries
  • Watching NASCAR
  • Eating a Triple Baconator
  • Wearing sunglasses inside
  • Having a mullet (if under 30)
  • Using the "word" YOLO

Thursday, June 14, 2012

10 recent pop hits (that I haven't heard) that are presumably worse than "Call Me Maybe"

  • Gotye - Somebody That I Used to Know
  • Pitbull - Back in Time
  • Kirko Bangz - Drank in My Cup
  • One Direction - What Makes You Beautiful
  • Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa - Payphone
  • Eric Church - Springsteen
  • Ca$h Out - Cashin' Out
  • Train - Drive By
  • Luke Bryan - Drunk on You
  • David Guetta feat. Sia - Titanium

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Things the Ramones want

  • To be your boyfriend
  • To sniff some glue
  • To be a good boy
  • To be well
  • To have something to do
  • Everything
  • To be sedated
  • To be alive

Monday, June 4, 2012

Questions one must confront as a regular listener to hardcore


  • Is Fucked Up still a hardcore band?
  • Am I Team Refused or Team At the Drive-In?
  • Do I really need to listen to Bad Brains?
  • Is Ceremony still a hardcore band?
  • Can I still like Trash Talk now that they're signed to Odd Future's label?
  • Was Twitching Tongues ever a hardcore band?
  • Is not liking hardstyle a problem?
  • Which deathcore bands are still okay to like?
  • Will straight edge ever come back in style?
  • Why do I still listen to this juvenile genre?

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Things more fixed than the NBA draft lottery

  • Professional wrestling
  • Olympic figure skating
  • Every game the Broncos played last season
  • USC Trojan player pay-scales
  • The 1919 World Series
  • Elections in the Soviet Union

Friday, May 25, 2012

Top 7 NFL teams to cheer for, if you are new to the sport and/or don't have a favorite team*

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
6. Tennessee Titans
5. Miami Dolphins
4. Minnesota Vikings
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
2. Kansas City Chiefs
1. Buffalo Bills

Would have made this list a year ago: Carolina Panthers, Detroit Lions, Cincinnati Bengals, St. Louis Rams, Washington Redskins

* Picking a good, trendy or perennially popular team is lame, so let's get that out of the way now. Also, you can't pick a team based on colors unless you're a woman or under the age of 6.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Fourteen underrated Simpsons characters, each with a key quote


  1. Kent Brockman ("I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords," or "Recapping our day's top story, the winner of today's state lottery is...me, Kent Brockman!")
  2. Superintendent Chalmers ("Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham/")
  3. Disco Stu ("Disco Stu likes disco music!")
  4. Duffman ("Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him.")
  5. Dr. Hibbert ("Is that the love between a man and a woman? Or the love of a man for a cuban cigar?")
  6. Lionel Hutz ("Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!")
  7. Troy McClure (On playing a human in Planet of the Apes: "It's the part I was born to play, baby!")
  8. Hans Moleman ("You're certainly doing your job today, Mr. Sun.")
  9. Mayor Quimby ("Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?")
  10. The Rich Texan ( “Son, I represent a group of oil tycoons who make foolish purchases. We already bought us a stained glass bathrobe, and the world’s fattest racehorse! And now, we need your ice man.”)
  11. Dr. Nick Riviera ("Why, if it isn't my old friend, Mr. McGreg. With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.")
  12. Chief Wiggum ("Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Syzslak and Apu Nahassa... passa... well, just Moe, just Moe.")
  13. Groundskeeper Willie ("Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys.")
  14. Kirk van Houten ("Singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.")

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Album titles I would strongly consider if I were Justin Bieber

  • Saturday Night Bieber
  • Cat Scratch Bieber
  • A Bieber You Can't Sweat Out
  • Biebers and Mirrors
  • Pac-Man Bieber
  • Cabin Bieber
  • Country Bieber

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Questions I have about cats, as someone who has never lived with cats up to this point


  • Why do they always want their heads scratched? What makes them so itchy?
  • How do they not die from boredom during the approximately 16 hours a day they spend sitting around?
  • Why are their noses always wet?
  • Why are their ears so gross?
  • What's the appeal of sniffing everything?
  • Do they realize how snooty they look, what with the way they walk around, it's like they're doing us a favor just being around them?
  • Further, do they realize that they're cats, and therefore less important than people?

Sunday, May 6, 2012

NBA players who you can tell are white by their names alone


  •  Brian Scalabrine
  • Luke Harangody
  • Greg Stiemsma
  • Luke Babbitt
  • Josh McRoberts
  • Blake Ahearn
  • Jimmer Fredette
  • Chase Budinger

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Hopes and concerns regarding the new Gaslight Anthem album


  • I primarily hope it doesn't suck
  • If the album blows up and makes them this year's Black Keys, they won't be my band anymore
  • As a corollary to that, kiss goodbye to any chance of seeing them in a small(ish) venue
  • Still, I'd love to see them sell a million copies and tour stadiums because they deserve it
  • That this is is all just a launching pad for Brian's inevitably boring solo project (and his talking up of Dire Straits and Mark Knopfler doesn't help that fear)
  • Too many acoustic and/or overlong songs on the next album
  • If the album flops, they'll get dropped, and they'll sign to Epitaph or something and release a "back to basics" album that doesn't really recapture their spark and we'll all sigh and wonder about what could have been
  • I'm worried I think too much about the career prospects of the Gaslight Anthem

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Movies I have to see

  • Glengarry Glen Ross
  • Heathers
  • Husbands and Wives
  • Drive Angry: Shot in 3D
  • Coming to America
  • The Hurt Locker
  • Traffic
  • The Fugitive
  • Twelve Monkeys
  • Man on Wire
  • Purple Rain
  • Road to Perdition

Friday, April 20, 2012

Things those conical paper cups are better used for than water/watered down instant mix juice

  • Very small party hats
  • Body armor (when used in dozens)
  • Paper football endzone markers
  • Fake noses (essentially just rotating the party hat 90 degrees)
  • Sno-cones
  • Filter (if you add a bunch of pebbles or something, and poke a hole in the bottom?)
  • Breadcrumb-esque trail markers
  • Javelin (with many stacked together)

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Revised list of bourbons I have tried, in order of preference

  • Bulleit
  • Jim Beam
  • Rebel Yell
  • Wild Turkey 101
  • Knob Creek
  • Ezra Brooks
  • Maker's Mark
  • Jim Beam 7-year
  • Evan Williams
  • Buffalo Trace
  • Wild Turkey
  • Jim Beam Black

Monday, April 9, 2012

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Comic book doctors you shouldn't go to for a check-up

  • Dr. Octopus
  • Dr. Doom
  • Dr. Death
  • Dr. Spectrum
  • Dr. Bedlam
  • Dr. Destiny
  • Dr. Faustus
However, Dr. Strange is not only not evil, but a trained surgeon. You could probably see him for a check-up.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Guest list by Benjamin J. Gruber: Provisionary top 10 Rod Stewart songs

    1.       Some Guys Have All The Luck
    2.       Young Turks
    3.       Maggie May
    4.       Hot Legs
    5.       The First Cut Is The Deepest
   
 6.          Downtown Train
     
7.          Baby Jane
     
8.          Broken Arrow
     
9.          Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?
    
10.        Tonight’s The Night

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Ideas for a TV show starring New York's new favorite sons, Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin

  • An "Odd Couple" type show where Lin is the uptight, more-than-competent one and Tebow is the goofy  underachiever who always lucks his way into success
  • A gritty cop show where both Lin and Tebow are transferred into a Queens precinct after being run out of their old towns and have to learn how to do things the New York way
  • Reality dating show
  • AMC/HBO type prestige drama about the struggles of the sanitation union (Lin as the overworked union rep, Tebow as the popular worker)
  • Christian evangelical talk show
  • Late night talk show with Tebow as the host and Lin as the sidekick and announcer
  • Conspiracy theory documentary series with Tebow on ominous voiceover duty and Lin as the host

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

People I wouldn't be surprised to see under center for the Dolphins by the end of 2012

  • Donovan McNabb
  • That gay kid from "Remember the Titans"
  • Sage Rosenfels
  • Cyborg Dan Marino (this is like a "Six Million Dollar Man" scenario)
  • Tommy Maddox
  • A Fathead of Peyton Manning stuck to one of those blow-up punching dolls
  • Not actually even having a QB, just a punter, every offensive snap

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Cities and states I purposely pronounce incorrectly

  • Illinois as "Ill-ih-nwah" (French pronunciation)
  • Texas as "Tejas"
  • Houston as "House-ton"
  • Florida as "Flo-rida" (like the rapper)
  • Baltimore as "Body-more"
  • South Bend as "Dump"
  • Chicago as "That city with awful traffic"

Sunday, March 11, 2012

College basketball teams notably absent from the field of 68

  • University of Guam Guano-Bats
  • Lethbridge Community College Starfish
  • South North Carolina Tech Wild Frogs
  • Charlotte Bobcats
  • Wellesley College Fightin' Feminists
  • London School of Economics Dentists
  • Alaska A&M Snowmen
  • .........Iowa Hawkeyes

Monday, March 5, 2012

Good fill in answers to the survey question below


  • Lost a bet
  • Cosa Nostra is paying for it
  • Fought the law, the law won
  • Result of a coin flip
  • Called by a higher power (specifically: Xenu)
  • For the groupies
  • Wasn't insufferable enough already, needed elite-level training
  • Wait, I'm in law school? I thought this was the veterinary program

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Reasons why leap years are the worst


  • They always sneak up on you - they're infrequent enough that you always forget
  • February is easily the worst month of the year - why make it longer?
  • Total inconsistency between years
  • Have to deal with the lame "jokes" about dividing birthdays by four for people actually born on the 29th
  • Have to wait longer for the Summer Olympics
  • Screws up relationship between dates and days of the week (ie: Christmas was on Saturday in 2010, Sunday in 2011 and will be on Tuesday this year)
  • Try being a kid with a March 1st birthday

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Last minute Oscar predictions

  • The Artist will win every award, even in categories it isn't nominated in
  • In fact, it will be so popular with the Academy that they will invent categories to award it, including "Best Mustache" and "Best Use of John Goodman"
  • Billy Crystal will be so irritating that he will burst into flame as a result of the collective loathing directed at him by the millions watching
  • Gary Oldman will lose in a quiet and dignified manner, knowing his performance as Commissioner Gordon in The Dark Knight Rises has an Oscar locked up in 2013
  • The biggest gaffe will be the shot of Michael J. Fox at the end of the "In Memoriam" montage
  • America will once again realize that it didn't watch any of the nominated movies, and will bitterly complain that Transformers: Dark of the Moon was ignored
  • I'll regret not watching the NBA All-Star Game instead
  • o/u on Jack Nicholson reaction shots: 3.5

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Top 20 Albums of All Time

20. The Hold Steady - Boys and Girls in America
19. Brand New - The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me
18. Simon and Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water
17. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - Damn the Torpedoes
16. Talking Heads - Remain in Light
15. Radiohead - Kid A
14. Elvis Costello and the Attractions - Get Happy!!
13. Joy Division - Closer
12. Converge - Jane Doe
11. Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights
10. Prince and the Revolution - Purple Rain
9. Arctic Monkeys - Favourite Worst Nightmare
8. Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run
7. Tom Waits - Rain Dogs
6. The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
5. Ramones - Rocket to Russia
4. Elvis Costello and the Attractions - This Year's Model
3. The Rolling Stones - Sticky Fingers
2. The Replacements - Tim
1. The Strokes - Is This It

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Reflections and realizations after a week of listening to nothing but the Rolling Stones

  • Sticky Fingers is still my favorite Stones album, in fact, it's definitely one of my favorite albums ever
  • The number of live Stones albums is TOO DAMN HIGH (seriously, they've saturated that market)
  • Out of Our Heads is a near-masterpiece overlooked due to being one of their early albums
  • Here is a list of underrated songs: Tops, I Am Waiting, Ruby Tuesday, One Hit (To the Body), Monkey Man, Thru and Thru, 100 Years Ago
  • "Sway" is Mick's best vocal performance
  • I still can't get into Beggar's Banquet
  • Side two of Tattoo You is excellent late-night listening
  • Seriously, "One Hit (To the Body)" is really good. I know it's from the '80s, but it's incredible
  • I am a big enough Rolling Stones fan to listen to nothing else for a whole week and still not get sick of them

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Top ten episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

10. Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens
9. The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
8. Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person
7. CharDee MacDennis: The Game of Games
6. The Nightman Cometh
5. Frank's Pretty Woman
4. The Gang Gets Racist
3. Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass
2. The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis
1. Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Prop bets for the Super Bowl

  • Minutes of game-time elapsed before Rob Gronkowski's injury is mentioned: o/u 3:00
  • Number of unsightly, bulging neck veins visible in HD on Madonna: o/u 6.5
  • John Madden replacing Chris Collinsworth at halftime: +5000
  • Number of booth shots of Peyton Manning looking forlorn: o/u 3.5
  • Minutes elapsed between kickoff and the first Bud Light commercial, in real time: o/u 4:30
  • Eli first displaying Manning face before halftime: -300
  • Questionable Tom Coughlin challenges: o/u 1.5
  • Player other than Tom Brady or Eli Manning winning the MVP: +1000
  • Chris Collinsworth describing an offensive unit by starting the sentence with "You know, these guys...": -2000
  • Shots of Belichick scowling: o/u 24.5

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Five desert island musicians/bands (not albums)

  • Rolling Stones
  • Tom Waits
  • Elvis Costello
  • Glassjaw
  • Radiohead

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Songs where the narrator is (or will soon be) in prison

  • The Killers - Jenny Was a Friend of Mine ("There ain't no motive for this crime / Jenny was a friend of mine")
  • Bobby Fuller Four - I Fought the Law (duh)
  • Boz Scaggs - Georgia ("Georgia, we will be together dear / If they ever let me out of here")
  • The Hold Steady - Sequestered in Memphis ("Yeah, sure I'll tell my story again")
  • John Prine - Christmas in Prison (duh)
  • Black Flag - Police Story ("I tell them to go get fucked / They put me away")
  • The Clash - Jail Guitar Doors (the Clash have a lot of songs that qualify)
  • Bruce Springsteen - Johnny 99 ("Prison for 98 and a year / We'll call it even Johnny 99")
  • Most Tom Waits songs/characters

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Top ten most absurd things ever

10. Rob Lowe's apparent inside knowledge of prominent quarterback career plans
9. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phineas_Gage
8. The emergence of vacuum cleaners as a status symbol
7. Domino's two medium 2-topping pizzas for $5.99 each deal (what a bargain!)
6. The perplexing Arctic Monkeys - P. Diddy connection
5. Pope Benedict IX was pope three times, sold the papacy once, and first became pope sometime before turning 20
4. The existence of platypuses (platypi?)
3. Apartheid only ended in 1994. How is that even possible?
2. The unimaginable vastness of the universe and the contrasting smallness of what comprises it
1. This music video


Monday, January 16, 2012

Post deleted due to employability related concerns

Know that it was to do with Kanye West and I thought it was one of the funnier ones I'd done in a while.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

My reactions to the At the Drive-In and Refused reunions

* WHAT?!
* No way, no way, no way
* This has been rumored for years, how can it finally be happening?
* And on the same day?
* BOTH playing Coachella?! Come on!
* I thought everyone in each band hated each other, could this be only for the money?
* Hold on, who cares?! These are the most influential post-hardcore bands since Fugazi, who have been broken up for 11+ years!
* At the Drive-In!
* Refused!
* Fuck!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Most anticipated albums of 2012

  • Every Time I Die - Ex-Lives
  • Converge - All We Love We Leave Behind
  • The Gaslight Anthem
  • Fake Problems
  • Ceremony - Zoo
  • letlive.
  • Circle Takes the Square
  • Glassjaw
  • A Wilhelm Scream
  • Gallows
  • The xx
  • Vampire Weekend
  • Against Me!
  • Japandroids
  • The National