Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Things more fixed than the NBA draft lottery

  • Professional wrestling
  • Olympic figure skating
  • Every game the Broncos played last season
  • USC Trojan player pay-scales
  • The 1919 World Series
  • Elections in the Soviet Union

Friday, May 25, 2012

Top 7 NFL teams to cheer for, if you are new to the sport and/or don't have a favorite team*

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
6. Tennessee Titans
5. Miami Dolphins
4. Minnesota Vikings
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
2. Kansas City Chiefs
1. Buffalo Bills

Would have made this list a year ago: Carolina Panthers, Detroit Lions, Cincinnati Bengals, St. Louis Rams, Washington Redskins

* Picking a good, trendy or perennially popular team is lame, so let's get that out of the way now. Also, you can't pick a team based on colors unless you're a woman or under the age of 6.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Fourteen underrated Simpsons characters, each with a key quote

  1. Kent Brockman ("I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords," or "Recapping our day's top story, the winner of today's state lottery, Kent Brockman!")
  2. Superintendent Chalmers ("Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham/")
  3. Disco Stu ("Disco Stu likes disco music!")
  4. Duffman ("Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him.")
  5. Dr. Hibbert ("Is that the love between a man and a woman? Or the love of a man for a cuban cigar?")
  6. Lionel Hutz ("Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!")
  7. Troy McClure (On playing a human in Planet of the Apes: "It's the part I was born to play, baby!")
  8. Hans Moleman ("You're certainly doing your job today, Mr. Sun.")
  9. Mayor Quimby ("Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?")
  10. The Rich Texan ( “Son, I represent a group of oil tycoons who make foolish purchases. We already bought us a stained glass bathrobe, and the world’s fattest racehorse! And now, we need your ice man.”)
  11. Dr. Nick Riviera ("Why, if it isn't my old friend, Mr. McGreg. With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.")
  12. Chief Wiggum ("Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Syzslak and Apu Nahassa... passa... well, just Moe, just Moe.")
  13. Groundskeeper Willie ("Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys.")
  14. Kirk van Houten ("Singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.")

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Album titles I would strongly consider if I were Justin Bieber

  • Saturday Night Bieber
  • Cat Scratch Bieber
  • A Bieber You Can't Sweat Out
  • Biebers and Mirrors
  • Pac-Man Bieber
  • Cabin Bieber
  • Country Bieber

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Questions I have about cats, as someone who has never lived with cats up to this point

  • Why do they always want their heads scratched? What makes them so itchy?
  • How do they not die from boredom during the approximately 16 hours a day they spend sitting around?
  • Why are their noses always wet?
  • Why are their ears so gross?
  • What's the appeal of sniffing everything?
  • Do they realize how snooty they look, what with the way they walk around, it's like they're doing us a favor just being around them?
  • Further, do they realize that they're cats, and therefore less important than people?

Sunday, May 6, 2012

NBA players who you can tell are white by their names alone

  •  Brian Scalabrine
  • Luke Harangody
  • Greg Stiemsma
  • Luke Babbitt
  • Josh McRoberts
  • Blake Ahearn
  • Jimmer Fredette
  • Chase Budinger

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Hopes and concerns regarding the new Gaslight Anthem album

  • I primarily hope it doesn't suck
  • If the album blows up and makes them this year's Black Keys, they won't be my band anymore
  • As a corollary to that, kiss goodbye to any chance of seeing them in a small(ish) venue
  • Still, I'd love to see them sell a million copies and tour stadiums because they deserve it
  • That this is is all just a launching pad for Brian's inevitably boring solo project (and his talking up of Dire Straits and Mark Knopfler doesn't help that fear)
  • Too many acoustic and/or overlong songs on the next album
  • If the album flops, they'll get dropped, and they'll sign to Epitaph or something and release a "back to basics" album that doesn't really recapture their spark and we'll all sigh and wonder about what could have been
  • I'm worried I think too much about the career prospects of the Gaslight Anthem